I've been meaning to write this for a while now, but I still can't really find the words. I know, it's very unlike me to be speechless, but....I just don't know how to respond to what's happening right now. See, God has been showing me something I've never truly believed - that I have worth. Innately, simply because I exist and was created, I have worth. It's really quite scandalous, if you think about it. Through no achievement of my own I am attributed with divine worth.
So how has God been showing me this? Through His people. Something odd has been happening lately. People.....like me? What? Since when does that happen? I've always been kind of a loner, not many friends. So the fact that people actually enjoy my company and want me around is kind of mind blowing. I just moved into a house with two amazing women from my church, and they both genuinely want to spend time with me. I'm speechless at this turn of events.
Another friend of mine recently adopted a puppy. I've learned a lot about how God relates to us by watching them, but the thing that always strikes me is how my friend truly delights in this puppy. She'll say things like, "I love when she's so happy her tail curls all the way over on her back." or "Look how excited she gets with that thing!" Little statements appreciating the tiny intricacies seen only by a master. It strikes me every time that the Bible says God delights over me in the same way. The joy and love and intimacy I hear when my friend talks about her dog are only a shadow of how God talks about me. He delights in my idiosyncrasies because He created them. He delights in every part of me. Me!
It's rather scandalous, this idea that I am valuable. In truth, I am a worthless sinner who was dead until Christ rescued me. But while I was still dead, God said I was worth His love, worth His Son's life, so that He could be with me again. And now I am rescued, alive, a treasured princess. May I finally begin to live like it.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Every Season
For those of you who may not know, yesterday was my birthday. It was, by far, the best birthday I've had in a long time. Around here, it's sort of a tradition that on your birthday you have to share three highlights from the last year and three things you're looking forward to in the coming year. So here are mine.
Highlights
1. My sister got married last June. I got a chance to see a lot of family, including my brother, whom I hardly ever get to see. It was a great time, and I got a new brother out of the deal!
2. Thanksgiving. It was the first time I'd really gotten to spend time with a particular friend, and it was on that day that I began to realize just what an amazing friend she is.
3. Myah Marie. On April 8th, I became an aunt for the first time! She's precious!
Looking Forward
1. Moving! On June 4th I will be moving in with some amazing friends from my church. I'm looking forward to being able to go home and have friends there. These gals are awesome, and the house is perfect.
2. Stability (knock on wood). Last year was....beyond words. But I'm finally finding myself in a place where my life is settling out, at least a bit, and it's amazing.
3. Further musical exploits. Recently, I finally purchased a keyboard for myself. I'm super excited to be able to play more and write more and just see where it takes me.
I have a particular philosophy about birthdays. My birthday isn't about celebrating me, it's about celebrating all the good things in my life. Birthdays should be spent doing all the things you love to do - petting puppies, reading a good book. I always strive to celebrate with as many loved ones as possible. A lot of times that looks like a big celebration, along with several sort of one-off celebrations with those who couldn't make the main event. It's important to me to take time to celebrate all the amazing relationships I have in my life. Especially this year, I've been blessed with some pretty incredible friends. I'm so glad all of you are in my life. Can't wait to spend another year with you!
Highlights
1. My sister got married last June. I got a chance to see a lot of family, including my brother, whom I hardly ever get to see. It was a great time, and I got a new brother out of the deal!
2. Thanksgiving. It was the first time I'd really gotten to spend time with a particular friend, and it was on that day that I began to realize just what an amazing friend she is.
3. Myah Marie. On April 8th, I became an aunt for the first time! She's precious!
Looking Forward
1. Moving! On June 4th I will be moving in with some amazing friends from my church. I'm looking forward to being able to go home and have friends there. These gals are awesome, and the house is perfect.
2. Stability (knock on wood). Last year was....beyond words. But I'm finally finding myself in a place where my life is settling out, at least a bit, and it's amazing.
3. Further musical exploits. Recently, I finally purchased a keyboard for myself. I'm super excited to be able to play more and write more and just see where it takes me.
I have a particular philosophy about birthdays. My birthday isn't about celebrating me, it's about celebrating all the good things in my life. Birthdays should be spent doing all the things you love to do - petting puppies, reading a good book. I always strive to celebrate with as many loved ones as possible. A lot of times that looks like a big celebration, along with several sort of one-off celebrations with those who couldn't make the main event. It's important to me to take time to celebrate all the amazing relationships I have in my life. Especially this year, I've been blessed with some pretty incredible friends. I'm so glad all of you are in my life. Can't wait to spend another year with you!
Monday, March 14, 2011
Learning to Fall
What a week. It started with a visit to the ER for unexplained, severe abdominal pain, which remains unexplained. Follow that up with the sudden onset of a nasty cold, add some stressing over finding a job and a place to live, and you've got a recipe for a pretty trying week. I am weary. But I'm on the right path. Let me tell you how I know.
On Wednesday I attended my church small group that I'm a part of. I had to answer frequent inquires that no, I hadn't found a job, and yes, I still need a place to live. It's one of those things that the more times you repeat the disheartening answer, the worse it feels. By the time I was on my way home, I was thinking to myself, "I want to give up. Maybe I should just give up on all of this and go back to Nebraska." By "give up," I don't just mean giving up on the dream of doing music, but giving up on the life I've spent the last 18 months building for myself here. Throwing in the towel on all of it, turning tail, and running for my life. That's what I felt like.
When I got home, I did the only natural thing to do when you're upset like that: I called my mom. I told her that I was worried and confused and didn't know what was going on in my life. I was sick and tired and weary and beaten down. I still needed a job and a place to live and I didn't have any leads. I just didn't know what to do. Before I had a chance to tell her what I'd been thinking, she told me that she had been really praying for me. She said, "I don't know what to tell you, except that the answer I keep hearing is 'Don't give up.'" Wow. I was speechless. She didn't understand what it meant. So I told her. That's exactly what I needed to hear from God at that moment. Affirmation that even with all the confusion and fear and drama, I'm still supposed to be here. The next step isn't readily apparent, but it was so amazing to hear that God had provided the answer before I even asked the question.
Today, after months of searching, I was offered a job. Not my dream job, but still a job. I will pay the bills and survive. He has made a way where there was none. I am awed and humbled by the faithfulness of my God.
On Wednesday I attended my church small group that I'm a part of. I had to answer frequent inquires that no, I hadn't found a job, and yes, I still need a place to live. It's one of those things that the more times you repeat the disheartening answer, the worse it feels. By the time I was on my way home, I was thinking to myself, "I want to give up. Maybe I should just give up on all of this and go back to Nebraska." By "give up," I don't just mean giving up on the dream of doing music, but giving up on the life I've spent the last 18 months building for myself here. Throwing in the towel on all of it, turning tail, and running for my life. That's what I felt like.
When I got home, I did the only natural thing to do when you're upset like that: I called my mom. I told her that I was worried and confused and didn't know what was going on in my life. I was sick and tired and weary and beaten down. I still needed a job and a place to live and I didn't have any leads. I just didn't know what to do. Before I had a chance to tell her what I'd been thinking, she told me that she had been really praying for me. She said, "I don't know what to tell you, except that the answer I keep hearing is 'Don't give up.'" Wow. I was speechless. She didn't understand what it meant. So I told her. That's exactly what I needed to hear from God at that moment. Affirmation that even with all the confusion and fear and drama, I'm still supposed to be here. The next step isn't readily apparent, but it was so amazing to hear that God had provided the answer before I even asked the question.
Today, after months of searching, I was offered a job. Not my dream job, but still a job. I will pay the bills and survive. He has made a way where there was none. I am awed and humbled by the faithfulness of my God.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Breaking Out the Windows
Finally, a new year. And with it, new life. Finally.
2010 was the most difficult year I've ever faced, by far. It was one thing after another, after another, including, but not limited to: no less than 3 job changes, 3 moves, loss of 2 cats, a recording project thrown into limbo, major reconstructive surgery on my leg, and 8 weeks of bedrest to recover. Those are just the highlights.
After Thanksgiving, I hit a point where there was too much on my plate and I needed to take some serious steps. On November 29, I was admitted to Vanderbilt Psychiatric Hospital for severe depression. I spent five days there working with an amazing doctor who diagnosed me as bipolar. With the new diagnosis came new medicine, and with the new medicine came a new world for me. Bridges were built in my brain between the things that I know to be true and the ability to actually believe them. There aren't words that can accurately describe how different I feel. As cliche as it sounds, I feel like I'm finally a whole person, instead of just a shadow of myself.
I realize I've just invited a vast amount of criticism with that last paragraph. Some of you will be put off by the fact that I was in the hospital. Others of you may not believe that medicine can help a person the way it has for me. I'm well aware of the stigma our society places on such things. I ask only that you keep an open mind. Feel free to ask me questions; I invite your inquiry. I dare say if you talk to me now, you'll see the difference.
For sure, it's not only the medicine that is changing me. I fully and quickly acknowledge that. But, it has put me in a state of mind where I can handle doing what it takes to change. I'm learning how to feel things instead of stuffing them away. How to face my fears and learn from them, instead of run from them. How to trust that God has my best interest at heart. At 26, for the first time in my life, I can finally believe that God loves me and wants to do great things in my life. He's not holding out on me; He really is always working for my best. These are things I've always known, but not until these last couple months have I been able to really grasp them and own them for myself.
I have a sense of confidence and calm now that I've never had before. Panic and fear don't linger on the edges of my mind like they used to. There's a sense of wholeness, of wellness, in me. I'm able to trust God and find refuge in Him in ways I never could have understood before.
It's difficult for me to share this with all of you. I'm putting some pretty personal things out here on the internet for anyone to see, knowing some of you will likely have negative reactions to it. If you wonder why I'm still doing it, here's the answer: hope. While I was struggling with all of this, a friend who had also dealt with the same things came alongside me. Without that person's support and encouragement, I likely would not have taken the steps that I needed to get well. His story of recovery offered me hope. Now I, in turn, share my story in the name of that same hope. There's Light in the darkness. New mercies with every dawn. There is no situation beyond God's reach. Every person, every circumstance, even the bleakest, is never beyond the reach of His redemption and grace. May I ever be living proof of this greatest of revelations.
2010 was the most difficult year I've ever faced, by far. It was one thing after another, after another, including, but not limited to: no less than 3 job changes, 3 moves, loss of 2 cats, a recording project thrown into limbo, major reconstructive surgery on my leg, and 8 weeks of bedrest to recover. Those are just the highlights.
After Thanksgiving, I hit a point where there was too much on my plate and I needed to take some serious steps. On November 29, I was admitted to Vanderbilt Psychiatric Hospital for severe depression. I spent five days there working with an amazing doctor who diagnosed me as bipolar. With the new diagnosis came new medicine, and with the new medicine came a new world for me. Bridges were built in my brain between the things that I know to be true and the ability to actually believe them. There aren't words that can accurately describe how different I feel. As cliche as it sounds, I feel like I'm finally a whole person, instead of just a shadow of myself.
I realize I've just invited a vast amount of criticism with that last paragraph. Some of you will be put off by the fact that I was in the hospital. Others of you may not believe that medicine can help a person the way it has for me. I'm well aware of the stigma our society places on such things. I ask only that you keep an open mind. Feel free to ask me questions; I invite your inquiry. I dare say if you talk to me now, you'll see the difference.
For sure, it's not only the medicine that is changing me. I fully and quickly acknowledge that. But, it has put me in a state of mind where I can handle doing what it takes to change. I'm learning how to feel things instead of stuffing them away. How to face my fears and learn from them, instead of run from them. How to trust that God has my best interest at heart. At 26, for the first time in my life, I can finally believe that God loves me and wants to do great things in my life. He's not holding out on me; He really is always working for my best. These are things I've always known, but not until these last couple months have I been able to really grasp them and own them for myself.
I have a sense of confidence and calm now that I've never had before. Panic and fear don't linger on the edges of my mind like they used to. There's a sense of wholeness, of wellness, in me. I'm able to trust God and find refuge in Him in ways I never could have understood before.
It's difficult for me to share this with all of you. I'm putting some pretty personal things out here on the internet for anyone to see, knowing some of you will likely have negative reactions to it. If you wonder why I'm still doing it, here's the answer: hope. While I was struggling with all of this, a friend who had also dealt with the same things came alongside me. Without that person's support and encouragement, I likely would not have taken the steps that I needed to get well. His story of recovery offered me hope. Now I, in turn, share my story in the name of that same hope. There's Light in the darkness. New mercies with every dawn. There is no situation beyond God's reach. Every person, every circumstance, even the bleakest, is never beyond the reach of His redemption and grace. May I ever be living proof of this greatest of revelations.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)