sorry for the lapse between posts, my friends. i've been busy getting settled in nashville, getting an idea of what my life looks like now. or trying to, anyway. it keeps changing on me.
those of you i've talked to in the last week or so might be surprised at the title of this post. there are definitely things happening that i wouldn't call "good" by any stretch of the imagination. and yet, God has been revealing His goodness to me through so many different things these last weeks. we've been studying the process of change in the Christian life in my small group, and it's been such a great fit with where i am right now. this week especially, i'm not sure i even recognize myself sometimes. but don't worry, it's in a good way. i'm facing some things right now that previously would have knocked me down pretty hard. but this time, instead of letting it collapse me, i stopped. i looked at my life and reminded myself that just because this is happening doesn't mean God has abandoned me. it doesn't mean i shouldn't have moved to nashville, or that this is where the bottom falls out. it only means i live in a world where nothing is as it should be. where everything is tainted with sin, and all i can do is respond to it in a godly way. i've been blessed with some amazing friends here, people who have helped remind me that it will be okay, have prayed with me, and have offered practical solutions to my physical needs. i'm telling you, nebraska friends, God is seriously moving in this community down here. it's wonderfully unnatural, the way people band together and become family out here.
looking back at this past week, it's a mess of every imaginable emotion. in the past, i would have called it terrible. but now, here, i can't look at the difficulty without seeing the blessing. opportunities to build relationships with incredible people, and chances to see God work His plan through tears and brokeness, through ugliness and pain, to redeem it all for His glory. i look around me and can do nothing but fall on my face in awe and praise. every glance reveals another chance to be blown away by this radical Savior that would love me enough not only to die for me, but to bless me as well. to bless me in my sinful, selfish, human skin, just because of His love. i have no words. it's a breathtaking experience, discovering Him like this. and in response to who He is, i find strength to be who He made me to be. i'm doing it, finally. i pushed back. and God helped me stand.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Gravity
Wow. and i mean, wow, my friends. i'll apologize up front just in case this comes off as a bunch of rambling, because it's very late (or early, depending on how you look at it...), but i've got to get these thoughts and emotions shape and words before they escape me.
the God that i serve is so much bigger than i've ever imagined. i caught a glimpse of Him tonight, and it brought me to my knees. let me start at the beginning.
i got the opportunity tonight to attend a concert featuring casting crowns and matt redman. if you've heard any of their music, you know it was a night of praise and worship. it's the first show i've been to since i moved here, and i was literally almost in tears just walking in. the band was already playing, and it hit me like a wall. that feeling, the energy of the live show. that rush that i can't get enough of, being a part of it like that. now that i've taken a few more steps on the path of my music, moving here and meeting some really great people, it somehow seemed to come alive even more. it solidly confirmed that i'm in the right place here, that this is where God intended my life to go. music is what I was made for, and He will continue to pull me that direction untill His plans for me are fulfilled.
i have a confession to make, friends. the last few years of my life, especially the last 18(ish) months, i have not lived how i should. i didn't respond to God the way He desired. i knew all the "happy, Christian answers," but failed to live them out and hold onto them when the storm hit. granted, it was a far bigger storm than i'd ever faced, but the same truths still applied. but i didn't listen. i didn't trust Him. i doubted His love and His mercy and His grace. and it wasn't one of those things where things only turned around after i learned the lesson He was teaching. i'm not sure i ever really learned it. i'm not sure if i wouuld be strong enough to choose a different path this time, or if i would fall to the same doubts and fears, if i had it to do over. but He rescued me anyway. even though i never saw Him, His mercy was so great that He delivered me even when i doubted His love. once again, He rescued me, despite my own resistence.
He has placed this dream, this music, inside of me, yes. but the real dream isn't to be on stage, to reach people with words and notes that create something breathtaking. the dream is Jesus. i was made to do music, yes. but before that, my primary identity, is that i was made to love Him. to bask in that love, to hold it dear. to thrive in it. and i've struggled with the whole concept of letting Jesus be enough for me. but tonight, He was. He showed me that just loving Him is so much better than any other thing i could seek. He is the prize. He is the best thing. He is my own, my home, and He always will be. and that's all i need. for real.
breathtaking, isn't it?
the God that i serve is so much bigger than i've ever imagined. i caught a glimpse of Him tonight, and it brought me to my knees. let me start at the beginning.
i got the opportunity tonight to attend a concert featuring casting crowns and matt redman. if you've heard any of their music, you know it was a night of praise and worship. it's the first show i've been to since i moved here, and i was literally almost in tears just walking in. the band was already playing, and it hit me like a wall. that feeling, the energy of the live show. that rush that i can't get enough of, being a part of it like that. now that i've taken a few more steps on the path of my music, moving here and meeting some really great people, it somehow seemed to come alive even more. it solidly confirmed that i'm in the right place here, that this is where God intended my life to go. music is what I was made for, and He will continue to pull me that direction untill His plans for me are fulfilled.
i have a confession to make, friends. the last few years of my life, especially the last 18(ish) months, i have not lived how i should. i didn't respond to God the way He desired. i knew all the "happy, Christian answers," but failed to live them out and hold onto them when the storm hit. granted, it was a far bigger storm than i'd ever faced, but the same truths still applied. but i didn't listen. i didn't trust Him. i doubted His love and His mercy and His grace. and it wasn't one of those things where things only turned around after i learned the lesson He was teaching. i'm not sure i ever really learned it. i'm not sure if i wouuld be strong enough to choose a different path this time, or if i would fall to the same doubts and fears, if i had it to do over. but He rescued me anyway. even though i never saw Him, His mercy was so great that He delivered me even when i doubted His love. once again, He rescued me, despite my own resistence.
He has placed this dream, this music, inside of me, yes. but the real dream isn't to be on stage, to reach people with words and notes that create something breathtaking. the dream is Jesus. i was made to do music, yes. but before that, my primary identity, is that i was made to love Him. to bask in that love, to hold it dear. to thrive in it. and i've struggled with the whole concept of letting Jesus be enough for me. but tonight, He was. He showed me that just loving Him is so much better than any other thing i could seek. He is the prize. He is the best thing. He is my own, my home, and He always will be. and that's all i need. for real.
breathtaking, isn't it?
Monday, October 5, 2009
Blessed
I've been in Nashville for just over a month now. it's been great and terrifying and everything in between. it's a wonderful feeling to be here. every morning i drive to work with tree-covered hills on either side, roads winding through them. it's beautiful. it feels like home here. and i've been blessed with a better roommate than i could ever ask for. but this past weekend, God gave me a glimpse of just how deeply He's blessed me.
last week i started having my first moments of panic. i love everything here, and i'm surrounded by so many great people. but fear and doubt came pounding on the door, and i had to fight to keep them from seeping in around the edges. "what if" started to plague me. what if it all goes away? what if, in a few more weeks, i'm no longer "the new girl," and people don't want to invest in me anymore? what if they're only being nice to me because they feel obligated, and one day soon i'll wake up and find myself half way across the country from my old life, with no place to belong and no real friends to speak of. a frightening possibility. so i prayed and tried to puzzle through it all, tried to push back the fears. considered not getting my hopes up with the friendships i'm forming. after a long weekend, i decided i didn't want to worry about it. even if that's where this road goes, it doesn't end there. i was never meant to stay in nebraska; it had to happen sometime. it's just something i have to go through. there may be some rough times ahead, and there may be days when i wake up feeling alone in the world. but that's not where the road ends.
so i picked myself up, brushed off the worry, and went on my way. sunday night i went to church, and was overwhelmed with God's goodness. not only has He promised that the road doesn't end in lonliness and pain, but His plans may not even contain the very things i fear. i shared a bit about how i'd been feeling with a couple of gals i've been getting to know, and was met with grace and mercy and compassion. each of them expressed sincere care for what's going on in my life, and assured me they would be there when i'm feeling alone or looking for a friend. one even took a few minutes to pray with me over it. i walked away feeling so humbled by how much God loves me. i truly have nothing to fear. He has lead me here and provided for every need i have. he's crafted this path for my life, and will be faithful to see me through it all.
on the way home, brandon heath struck again. as i was marveling in the intimate concern the Creator has in my life, "wait and see" came on the radio. it revels in the promise that there is hope for me and wherever my life is going, because God has promised to see me through it all, and "He's not finished with me yet." it fit so perfectly with what i'd been fearing and feeling all weekend, it humbled me all over again. the Great One, the Soverign Creator of everything, loves me enough to arrange the details of my life, down to the song on the radio, to draw me near to Him. how unworthy i am, a sinner covered in rags and filth. but He chose me, to lift me out of the miry pit and clothe me in the beautiful garments of His mercy, grace, and love.
Not only am i finding myself here, but i'm finding and experiencing these pieces of God's heart that i've never encountered before. it's an intoxicating mixture of humility, freedom, and hope, and i can't wait to see how He reveals Himself next.
last week i started having my first moments of panic. i love everything here, and i'm surrounded by so many great people. but fear and doubt came pounding on the door, and i had to fight to keep them from seeping in around the edges. "what if" started to plague me. what if it all goes away? what if, in a few more weeks, i'm no longer "the new girl," and people don't want to invest in me anymore? what if they're only being nice to me because they feel obligated, and one day soon i'll wake up and find myself half way across the country from my old life, with no place to belong and no real friends to speak of. a frightening possibility. so i prayed and tried to puzzle through it all, tried to push back the fears. considered not getting my hopes up with the friendships i'm forming. after a long weekend, i decided i didn't want to worry about it. even if that's where this road goes, it doesn't end there. i was never meant to stay in nebraska; it had to happen sometime. it's just something i have to go through. there may be some rough times ahead, and there may be days when i wake up feeling alone in the world. but that's not where the road ends.
so i picked myself up, brushed off the worry, and went on my way. sunday night i went to church, and was overwhelmed with God's goodness. not only has He promised that the road doesn't end in lonliness and pain, but His plans may not even contain the very things i fear. i shared a bit about how i'd been feeling with a couple of gals i've been getting to know, and was met with grace and mercy and compassion. each of them expressed sincere care for what's going on in my life, and assured me they would be there when i'm feeling alone or looking for a friend. one even took a few minutes to pray with me over it. i walked away feeling so humbled by how much God loves me. i truly have nothing to fear. He has lead me here and provided for every need i have. he's crafted this path for my life, and will be faithful to see me through it all.
on the way home, brandon heath struck again. as i was marveling in the intimate concern the Creator has in my life, "wait and see" came on the radio. it revels in the promise that there is hope for me and wherever my life is going, because God has promised to see me through it all, and "He's not finished with me yet." it fit so perfectly with what i'd been fearing and feeling all weekend, it humbled me all over again. the Great One, the Soverign Creator of everything, loves me enough to arrange the details of my life, down to the song on the radio, to draw me near to Him. how unworthy i am, a sinner covered in rags and filth. but He chose me, to lift me out of the miry pit and clothe me in the beautiful garments of His mercy, grace, and love.
Not only am i finding myself here, but i'm finding and experiencing these pieces of God's heart that i've never encountered before. it's an intoxicating mixture of humility, freedom, and hope, and i can't wait to see how He reveals Himself next.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
All I Need
i am officially meeting with the employer i've been looking at tomorrow afternoon! in case i've lost you somewhere in the last week, this is the employer working with the staffing agency that caused me to come down here in the first place. they hadn't been communicating last week, but they did today, so i'm going to meet with them tomorrow afternoon at 3:30. please pray that they still want to hire me!! i spent most of today running around my neighborhood filling out applications at every place i could find, including BK and McDonalds. yes, i'm that desperate. and then i got a call from the staffing agency saying i finally have an official interview tomorrow.
it couldn't have come at a better time. yesterday i started officially freaking out about the whole thing, tears and all. my roommate asked if i was okay, which sparked a conversation that lasted until 2:30 in the morning. it was awesome. we're going to be great friends.
that's pretty much it for me right now. God bless sonic and happy hour.
it couldn't have come at a better time. yesterday i started officially freaking out about the whole thing, tears and all. my roommate asked if i was okay, which sparked a conversation that lasted until 2:30 in the morning. it was awesome. we're going to be great friends.
that's pretty much it for me right now. God bless sonic and happy hour.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Tennessee Line
i feel as though i owe you all a post, though it won't be very exciting. i'm still just settling in. i went to shakespeare in the park (yes, it's exactly what it seems to be) last night with some friends, and watched "the complete works of william shakespeare (abridged)." it was absolutely hilarious. if you ever get a chance to see it, go. my room still looks more or less like a bomb went off....i'm sure you're surprised. i'm still trying to find places for everything, kind of unpacking as i discover i need something.
the only thing i'm nervous about it is this job. the employer hasn't gotten back to the staffing agency about a starting date, and it's making me nervous. i've started applying for other things in the area, because i have to get paid before october rent is due. so if you all could pray that either the employer gives me a starting date or something else comes through, it would be much appreciated. once i know officially where i'm working, i think i'll feel much better. i still can't believe i actually live here!
tomorrow's sunday, which makes me pretty excited. i want to go to church with my roommate in the morning, which will be a brand new place for me, full of brand new people to meet. then tomorrow night i'll head over to a church i visited back in june, where i met some really great people, and hopefully get to spend some time with friends.
i miss all of you back in nebraska! but i can't say i'm sad to be somewhere other than lincoln today; i'm sure game traffic is crazy!! and don't worry, i'll always be a husker fan at heart. here's hoping we win!
the only thing i'm nervous about it is this job. the employer hasn't gotten back to the staffing agency about a starting date, and it's making me nervous. i've started applying for other things in the area, because i have to get paid before october rent is due. so if you all could pray that either the employer gives me a starting date or something else comes through, it would be much appreciated. once i know officially where i'm working, i think i'll feel much better. i still can't believe i actually live here!
tomorrow's sunday, which makes me pretty excited. i want to go to church with my roommate in the morning, which will be a brand new place for me, full of brand new people to meet. then tomorrow night i'll head over to a church i visited back in june, where i met some really great people, and hopefully get to spend some time with friends.
i miss all of you back in nebraska! but i can't say i'm sad to be somewhere other than lincoln today; i'm sure game traffic is crazy!! and don't worry, i'll always be a husker fan at heart. here's hoping we win!
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Hello, Goodbye
you know that old saying about today being the first day of the rest of your life? well, today really is for me. this morning i woke up in a beautiful apartment in Antioch, TN, just outside of Nashville proper. joey was purring and cowering under the blanket me, and phoebe was still under a chair in the living room where she spent the night. i have no furniture except for a borrowed air mattress (if that counts as furniture), most of my life is still in my car. from the outside, chaos and disarray seem to abound. and, though they admittedly have their place when it comes o moving, i've never been so excited to wake up anywhere.
it's been a long road, and the next few weeks/months will be long too. you know me; change isn't exactly something i'm great with. but it's necessary and for the best, so i forge on. but this place is me. i'm finally forging my own road, doing something no one in my family has done before. i've broken the mold, and i finally feel free to be who i am. no one has me pegged here. there's no pre-determined box for me to squeeze into. i can be that person i've started to see in myself. and i can't really explain why i didn't feel free to do it before. i just couldn't.
but this freedom came with a giant pricetag. aside from the obvious drawbacks of being a "starving artist," (severe lack of funds, overdoses of ramen noodles, etc...) yesterday i left behind the only world i've really ever known. my closest family member is 14 hours away. and i'm not sure when i'll get to go back. i have to be away from my parents indefinitely. and that sucks. i'm so thankful we live in an age where communication across distances is as easy as it is. witout that, none of you would even be reading this right now. but fortunately, i can keep you all updated easily. i can call my parents as much as i want and write emails until my fingers go numb, should i so choose.
so we've started off well. the kitties are still scared and exploring, but they're already much more adventurous than they were last night. we're gonna like it here.
it's been a long road, and the next few weeks/months will be long too. you know me; change isn't exactly something i'm great with. but it's necessary and for the best, so i forge on. but this place is me. i'm finally forging my own road, doing something no one in my family has done before. i've broken the mold, and i finally feel free to be who i am. no one has me pegged here. there's no pre-determined box for me to squeeze into. i can be that person i've started to see in myself. and i can't really explain why i didn't feel free to do it before. i just couldn't.
but this freedom came with a giant pricetag. aside from the obvious drawbacks of being a "starving artist," (severe lack of funds, overdoses of ramen noodles, etc...) yesterday i left behind the only world i've really ever known. my closest family member is 14 hours away. and i'm not sure when i'll get to go back. i have to be away from my parents indefinitely. and that sucks. i'm so thankful we live in an age where communication across distances is as easy as it is. witout that, none of you would even be reading this right now. but fortunately, i can keep you all updated easily. i can call my parents as much as i want and write emails until my fingers go numb, should i so choose.
so we've started off well. the kitties are still scared and exploring, but they're already much more adventurous than they were last night. we're gonna like it here.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Hang On
Sorry for the break between updates....I've had a lot to deal with. After not finding a job in Nashville, I've been forced to move back in with my parents. (by the way, if you're reading this, and you're one of my parents, please stop here. this post is not for you.)
so now i'm in columbus, a town with really nothing going for it. i have no friends here and am completely broke. i've been applying for jobs in the area, with no luck so far. there have been lots and lots of fights between myself and my parents. to be honest, i feel like i'm being pressed on from all sides and i can't get out. none of this makes any sense to me. it feels like God isn't watching me, like He doesn't care what happens to me, so He's just left me here, in the middle of all this, to drown. i know theologically that's not true, but i really don't know where He is right now. hence the lack of blogs; i don't have a lot of positive things to say right now. i'll try to write a little more often, but i can't make any promises yet. pray for me, friends. pray that God gives me one of these jobs i'm applying for. just something to make a little bit of money. i can't believe that He wants me to be destitue my whole life. so where is the door? where's the right opportunity? where am i going? i need some answers.
so now i'm in columbus, a town with really nothing going for it. i have no friends here and am completely broke. i've been applying for jobs in the area, with no luck so far. there have been lots and lots of fights between myself and my parents. to be honest, i feel like i'm being pressed on from all sides and i can't get out. none of this makes any sense to me. it feels like God isn't watching me, like He doesn't care what happens to me, so He's just left me here, in the middle of all this, to drown. i know theologically that's not true, but i really don't know where He is right now. hence the lack of blogs; i don't have a lot of positive things to say right now. i'll try to write a little more often, but i can't make any promises yet. pray for me, friends. pray that God gives me one of these jobs i'm applying for. just something to make a little bit of money. i can't believe that He wants me to be destitue my whole life. so where is the door? where's the right opportunity? where am i going? i need some answers.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
From This Moment On: Nashville, day 7
O. M. G. seriously guys, there are no words. i just watched a show at nashville's most famous venue, the bluebird cafe. overall, the music tonight was a little too country for me, but the atmosphere was another story entirely. people appreciate music here like you wouldn't believe in nebraska. this place has written itself on my heart all over again. i really do feel like this is my narnia, the place i'm made for. i honestly want to cry right now because i don't want to leave. the local Christian radio station has been talking about believing God in prayer. He promised us that when we ask for His plans, He'll deliver. i really feel like He's asking me to trust Him on this whole thing. which, duh, of course i have to trust Him. but i have to BELIEVE Him too. i know that He made me for this place, for this life, and i need to believe that He's going to make a way for it and just stop worrying. i finally got to sit and spend some time talking with Him last night, and i started out asking Him about this whole insane lodging situation i've had. it felt very unfair of Him to oust me from my original place and put me through all that stress. which, of course, led to me being upset with myself for worrying and not just trusting Him. "But it was a big deal! of course i'm going to worry about having a roof over my head!" I said. "You're right," He said. "Kind of like getting a job." oh. well, crap. "And I came through for you, didn't I? in fact, you like this place and these girls much more, don't you?" super crap. He pinned me to the wall so quickly i didn't even see it coming. yes, of course He did the best thing for me. all three of the girls i'm staying with now are absolutely incredible examples of how to love people. they're awesome. God knew exactly what i was looking for, the kind of people i needed around me, and He made it happen. i had absolutely no reason to worry or be stressed. He was only making it better. and He wants me to trust Him with my career. He'll come through on that, too. I don't need to worry for even a second. So I'm trying hard to believe that He's going to come through with a job, even though I might not know where or when. He made me for this, and He'll make a way. Pray that I come to really believe that, friends.
Tomorrow (Thursday) is my meeting with artist manager D. 3 PM. i'm all kinds of excited and nervous. i have no idea how it will unfold, but pray for me!
in other news, my power source for my computer doesn't seem to be happy tonight. maybe it's just the outlet here. let's hope so, otherwise i have to find a new one here somewhere. gulp.
i think that's it for me tonight.
Tomorrow (Thursday) is my meeting with artist manager D. 3 PM. i'm all kinds of excited and nervous. i have no idea how it will unfold, but pray for me!
in other news, my power source for my computer doesn't seem to be happy tonight. maybe it's just the outlet here. let's hope so, otherwise i have to find a new one here somewhere. gulp.
i think that's it for me tonight.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Worlds Apart: Nashville, day 5
for those of you who are counting, yes, i'm writing this on day 6. but i didn't give an update last night, as my new sleeping grounds have a lack of internet. but i'm the author, and i can do it that way if i want to. so there.
let me tell you what, my friends, it is a completely different world out here. i caught a show last night, which isn't exactly something that happens frequently in nebraska. but here, there's probably 30 different venues having shows on any given night. it's amazing. we heard 4 different acts last night, ending with a gal named mattie diaz. and she was awesome. i hung out with a new friend i'd met the night before and asked him all kinds of questions about doing music for money. it's not an easy road, and there's a LOT of luck involved. but that's it for me. it's what i'm made for.
now don't get me wrong, i miss everyone back home (probably joey and phoebe most of all...), but i am officially addicted to nashville. there's a new switchfoot song out, called "this is home." it's played a couple times while i've been driving here and there (the christian station here is reminiscent of kearney's "hits one through six"), and this song just gets me every time. it was originally written for prince caspian, so it's about narnia and being made for a place that's so far and so different from your own, but still so completely right for you. and that's what it's like for me here. i think that's the best way i have to explain it.
yes, mom and dad, i'm handing out resumes and filling out applications like crazy. it's just not very blog-worthy, what with all the other fun things happening.
had my very first chick-fil-a experience today, and i gotta say, it was pretty extraordinary. nebraska definitely needs to discover that place. you don't know what you're missing.
i'm starting to feel like i have a decent grasp of where things are now. the city's laid out more like a spoke wheel than a grid, and the streets change their names more often than crazy horse's people. but i've used the "drive around until i find it" method (once i'm in the general vicinity), and it's been working out pretty well.
ahh, some brandon heath in the headphones. where are you, brandon? still hoping for a divine "coincidence" to let me run into him in the next week.
in other news, my feet are still swelling like crazy. not sure what that's about. if anyone has any ideas, give me a heads up.
keep praying for the job to come through. i've got a lot of places to hit up still. i love it here. more tomorrow.
p.s. for the love of pete, will you "anonymous" people writing comments please identify yourselves in your post?! it drives me nuts to not know who's posting.
let me tell you what, my friends, it is a completely different world out here. i caught a show last night, which isn't exactly something that happens frequently in nebraska. but here, there's probably 30 different venues having shows on any given night. it's amazing. we heard 4 different acts last night, ending with a gal named mattie diaz. and she was awesome. i hung out with a new friend i'd met the night before and asked him all kinds of questions about doing music for money. it's not an easy road, and there's a LOT of luck involved. but that's it for me. it's what i'm made for.
now don't get me wrong, i miss everyone back home (probably joey and phoebe most of all...), but i am officially addicted to nashville. there's a new switchfoot song out, called "this is home." it's played a couple times while i've been driving here and there (the christian station here is reminiscent of kearney's "hits one through six"), and this song just gets me every time. it was originally written for prince caspian, so it's about narnia and being made for a place that's so far and so different from your own, but still so completely right for you. and that's what it's like for me here. i think that's the best way i have to explain it.
yes, mom and dad, i'm handing out resumes and filling out applications like crazy. it's just not very blog-worthy, what with all the other fun things happening.
had my very first chick-fil-a experience today, and i gotta say, it was pretty extraordinary. nebraska definitely needs to discover that place. you don't know what you're missing.
i'm starting to feel like i have a decent grasp of where things are now. the city's laid out more like a spoke wheel than a grid, and the streets change their names more often than crazy horse's people. but i've used the "drive around until i find it" method (once i'm in the general vicinity), and it's been working out pretty well.
ahh, some brandon heath in the headphones. where are you, brandon? still hoping for a divine "coincidence" to let me run into him in the next week.
in other news, my feet are still swelling like crazy. not sure what that's about. if anyone has any ideas, give me a heads up.
keep praying for the job to come through. i've got a lot of places to hit up still. i love it here. more tomorrow.
p.s. for the love of pete, will you "anonymous" people writing comments please identify yourselves in your post?! it drives me nuts to not know who's posting.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Red Sky - Nashville, day 4
well friends, it's been quite a day. for "anonymus" below, i'm fine. i'm completely safe; there will be no cardboard boxes involved. i went to church tonight with my friend here (who i'll refer to as K for further purposes), which was pretty great. let me tell you what, my midwestern friends, there is nothing like worship in a church in nashville. everyone sings! and most of them do it really well! it's a whole different vibe than our nebraskan worship, in some churches (not you, my new cov friends!) known as the "frozen chosen." it was awesome. and chris rice was there. sweet.
after that we went to a cookout with a bunch of people from afore-mentioned church for someone's birthday. it was really fun, and everyone was really great. it was the kind of thing that doesn't happen much for me in nebraska anymore; just a bunch of people (like around 50ish) getting together, having food, playing some wii sports, quickly followed by guitar hero, hanging out, and having fun. i met some really great people, one of whom gave me a tip on a show i want to check out tomorrow night. most notably, i have a promising lead on a place to stay. details can be worked out further tomorrow, but for the moment, it will be alright. it's not exactly what i had planned, and i'm a little nervous because i haven't met them before at all, but i trust K's judgement on people, and she says they're good people. everything is going to be okay. i'm still pretty stressed, but i'm a little better. i'm also completely exhausted, and i can barely keep my eyes open, so this will have to be it for right now. keep praying for God to provide for me.
after that we went to a cookout with a bunch of people from afore-mentioned church for someone's birthday. it was really fun, and everyone was really great. it was the kind of thing that doesn't happen much for me in nebraska anymore; just a bunch of people (like around 50ish) getting together, having food, playing some wii sports, quickly followed by guitar hero, hanging out, and having fun. i met some really great people, one of whom gave me a tip on a show i want to check out tomorrow night. most notably, i have a promising lead on a place to stay. details can be worked out further tomorrow, but for the moment, it will be alright. it's not exactly what i had planned, and i'm a little nervous because i haven't met them before at all, but i trust K's judgement on people, and she says they're good people. everything is going to be okay. i'm still pretty stressed, but i'm a little better. i'm also completely exhausted, and i can barely keep my eyes open, so this will have to be it for right now. keep praying for God to provide for me.
Rescue - Nashville, days 2-3
well friends, it certainly hasn't been what i thought it would be, at least in some aspects.
first off, let me give a great big plug for Ted Dekker and The Gathering. it was beyond awesome. bringing stories to life, helping us experience that redemptive love all over again, as well as pry inside the mind of one of the most creative minds on the planet today. there are no words to properly describe it. it was truly an experience like none other.
the day of the gathering, however, didn't exactly go as planned. i was supposed to be picked up by someone else going to the event. we had spoken the night before on the phone, setting everything up. but that morning, they were a no-show. i tried calling like five times and got nothing. finally called for a cab around 7:30; they said it would be there in 20 min. at 9, after a series of phone calls between myself, the cab company, and the driver, i was finally off to the event. i did my best to throw it off, to disregard the stress, and enjoy the day. and that went pretty well, until the end of the day came and i needed a ride home. i had talked to the people sitting around me, but it was a no-go on all fronts, for various reasons. and that was my last straw.
i've been holding it together really well for the last few weeks, keeping my urge to freak out at bay. but this time, it was too much. i found myself breaking down in the factory in franklin, alone, overwhelmed, and unsure where to turn. my fabulous friend that's been hanging with me out here ended up forgoing her own evening plans to come get me, for which i cannot repay her.
but wait, there's more. after i got home, the gal i'm staying with told me that my being here is "more of an inconvenience than she thought it would be," and i should find someplace else to stay. nevermind that she already knows i have no other place to stay. so i just took it and told her it was fine. i'm contacting some people back home that know other people here and my friend is reaching out to her friends. i know that God will provide for me, and i will find a place to be. but the finding it is stressfull. i don't at all see it as a sign to turn tail and run. God has fought too hard to bring me here for me to run at the first sign of difficulty. but i need your prayers, friends. pray that i will find another place to stay, that God would guide me to it, and that i would be sensitive enough to Him to see and follow His lead. it's definitely an adventure out here.
first off, let me give a great big plug for Ted Dekker and The Gathering. it was beyond awesome. bringing stories to life, helping us experience that redemptive love all over again, as well as pry inside the mind of one of the most creative minds on the planet today. there are no words to properly describe it. it was truly an experience like none other.
the day of the gathering, however, didn't exactly go as planned. i was supposed to be picked up by someone else going to the event. we had spoken the night before on the phone, setting everything up. but that morning, they were a no-show. i tried calling like five times and got nothing. finally called for a cab around 7:30; they said it would be there in 20 min. at 9, after a series of phone calls between myself, the cab company, and the driver, i was finally off to the event. i did my best to throw it off, to disregard the stress, and enjoy the day. and that went pretty well, until the end of the day came and i needed a ride home. i had talked to the people sitting around me, but it was a no-go on all fronts, for various reasons. and that was my last straw.
i've been holding it together really well for the last few weeks, keeping my urge to freak out at bay. but this time, it was too much. i found myself breaking down in the factory in franklin, alone, overwhelmed, and unsure where to turn. my fabulous friend that's been hanging with me out here ended up forgoing her own evening plans to come get me, for which i cannot repay her.
but wait, there's more. after i got home, the gal i'm staying with told me that my being here is "more of an inconvenience than she thought it would be," and i should find someplace else to stay. nevermind that she already knows i have no other place to stay. so i just took it and told her it was fine. i'm contacting some people back home that know other people here and my friend is reaching out to her friends. i know that God will provide for me, and i will find a place to be. but the finding it is stressfull. i don't at all see it as a sign to turn tail and run. God has fought too hard to bring me here for me to run at the first sign of difficulty. but i need your prayers, friends. pray that i will find another place to stay, that God would guide me to it, and that i would be sensitive enough to Him to see and follow His lead. it's definitely an adventure out here.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Only Getting Started: Nashville, Day 1
tonight i'm curling up in bed in another world. the lights are bright, the trees are green, and the land is anything but flat. not too much to tell today; got here around 9 AM, got a tour of the city from a friend. spent a lot of the afternoon making friends with my map. :) tomorrow's agenda is touristy things downtown, getting the lay of the land really set in my head before i beat out a path to every business that might be hiring.
i honestly don't have much to say tonight (mostly because i've been awake for almost 24 hours now...), except that i'm so excited to be here. i've been having some stomach issues, though, so if you could pray for that to clear up, i'd appreciate it. it's hard to really enjoy this experience when my stomach is threatening to rip itself out of my body... but i got some meds and i'm starting to feel better. thanks for checkin in! more to come later.
i honestly don't have much to say tonight (mostly because i've been awake for almost 24 hours now...), except that i'm so excited to be here. i've been having some stomach issues, though, so if you could pray for that to clear up, i'd appreciate it. it's hard to really enjoy this experience when my stomach is threatening to rip itself out of my body... but i got some meds and i'm starting to feel better. thanks for checkin in! more to come later.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Can't Be Without You
It's not often that I find myself without the words to describe my current state. tonight, though, i know i'll never be able to explain to you everything that's going on inside. but i'm coming off a weekend that was very blog-worthy, and i feel i need to give it a shot. maybe you'll get a glimpse of me somewhere.
i spent the past few days spending time with some good friends. friends that i have no idea when i'll get the chance to see them again. it was a really great weekend. definitely in the top 10. and now i'm left with the dichotomous reaction of being happy to have spent time with people i love at such an exciting place in my life, and feeling pieces of my heart breaking for the time and distance to come.
in a weird way, being with these friends reaffirmed how strong and certain i am of my decision to search out nashville, to go find what i'm made for. these are some of my best friends, my biggest fans, and my most honest critics. they have rejoiced with me in this coming journey. it was so great to see them, and i'm still in some ways riding the high of that joy.
at the same time, my heart is breaking. i'm about to go in a direction that will be so different from what my life has been up to now. i have no idea what to expect. and certainly no idea what my schedule will be like; when i'll have time to keep in touch, let alone see old friends. my next move will undoubtedly impact every relationship in my life.
but i will fight to hold on. it's important to me to make time for keeping up with the people i care about. i do a poor job of it sometimes, but i promise to give it my best. so, my friends, thanks for this last weekend of memories. i refuse to say goodbye. you'll always be with me.
i spent the past few days spending time with some good friends. friends that i have no idea when i'll get the chance to see them again. it was a really great weekend. definitely in the top 10. and now i'm left with the dichotomous reaction of being happy to have spent time with people i love at such an exciting place in my life, and feeling pieces of my heart breaking for the time and distance to come.
in a weird way, being with these friends reaffirmed how strong and certain i am of my decision to search out nashville, to go find what i'm made for. these are some of my best friends, my biggest fans, and my most honest critics. they have rejoiced with me in this coming journey. it was so great to see them, and i'm still in some ways riding the high of that joy.
at the same time, my heart is breaking. i'm about to go in a direction that will be so different from what my life has been up to now. i have no idea what to expect. and certainly no idea what my schedule will be like; when i'll have time to keep in touch, let alone see old friends. my next move will undoubtedly impact every relationship in my life.
but i will fight to hold on. it's important to me to make time for keeping up with the people i care about. i do a poor job of it sometimes, but i promise to give it my best. so, my friends, thanks for this last weekend of memories. i refuse to say goodbye. you'll always be with me.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Brave
I feel like i should apologize to all of you. lately, i've been journaling the old-fashioned way, putting pen to paper and spending some time with my God and my thoughts out in the beautiful weather we've had lately. but never fear, i won't leave you for to long. i've got too many thoughts to sort through these days.
last week, i had 4 weeks before this journey takes off. i don't know how, but somewhere between there and here, just over 3 weeks out, i must have missed a few days, because it certainly seems so much closer now. in less than a month, i'll be out in nashville, spreading my resume like wildfire and trying to follow whatever this path is that God has for me. and while i'm so excited to go, it's setting in a little that i'll be really far from my family. and that's going to be harder than i realize, i'm sure. it's hard to think of only seeing my parents once or twice a year. i'll really be all alone in a bigger city than i've ever lived in. and i'm praying that God will put people in my path quickly to let me form some fast relationships. but it's one of those things that just takes time.
i'm not even sure i can put words on this feeling i have right now. it's a mix of so many things. and i still have 3 more weeks to add to these nerves! i'm knocking on the door of impossible things, of dreams and callings, of uncertain, incredible fulfillment. if i sound like a broken record over the next weeks, forgive me. i'm pretty stuck in this cycle of thoughts were i continuously have to stop myself from stressing, and remember that God has called me out there. He will make a way for me to go where i need to go. and once i'm out there, He still won't leave me. the only reason i can show any bravery in the face of this anxiety is because i know that God is carrying me. i mean enough to Him that He would care for me and know all of my days, but not enough that my shortcomings could sabotage His plans.
if you're reading this, i'd really appreciate prayers at this point. if you could, pray that God leads me clearly and opens just the right doors for me to follow Him. also, brandon heath has my demo, and the tour he was on had its last stop yesterday. i'm hoping to hear back from him this week, so if you could all pray for that connection to be made, that would be great. i'll keep you posted.
last week, i had 4 weeks before this journey takes off. i don't know how, but somewhere between there and here, just over 3 weeks out, i must have missed a few days, because it certainly seems so much closer now. in less than a month, i'll be out in nashville, spreading my resume like wildfire and trying to follow whatever this path is that God has for me. and while i'm so excited to go, it's setting in a little that i'll be really far from my family. and that's going to be harder than i realize, i'm sure. it's hard to think of only seeing my parents once or twice a year. i'll really be all alone in a bigger city than i've ever lived in. and i'm praying that God will put people in my path quickly to let me form some fast relationships. but it's one of those things that just takes time.
i'm not even sure i can put words on this feeling i have right now. it's a mix of so many things. and i still have 3 more weeks to add to these nerves! i'm knocking on the door of impossible things, of dreams and callings, of uncertain, incredible fulfillment. if i sound like a broken record over the next weeks, forgive me. i'm pretty stuck in this cycle of thoughts were i continuously have to stop myself from stressing, and remember that God has called me out there. He will make a way for me to go where i need to go. and once i'm out there, He still won't leave me. the only reason i can show any bravery in the face of this anxiety is because i know that God is carrying me. i mean enough to Him that He would care for me and know all of my days, but not enough that my shortcomings could sabotage His plans.
if you're reading this, i'd really appreciate prayers at this point. if you could, pray that God leads me clearly and opens just the right doors for me to follow Him. also, brandon heath has my demo, and the tour he was on had its last stop yesterday. i'm hoping to hear back from him this week, so if you could all pray for that connection to be made, that would be great. i'll keep you posted.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
The Difference
It's taken me a few days to process things before I could actually write this. On the one hand, the events of this past Friday were so personal, so intimate between myself and this God that I serve, that I love. But at the same time, what He's done is so amazing that I want to shout and tell the whole world that, at least for now, I'm confident that He loves me. Me! It's still so astonishing to me that He would set my dreams into motion like this.
I better back up a bit.
Friday was the first time that I've played anything I've written for a live audience. I expected to be super nervous, like I always do. I'll let you in on a secret: despite how much I love the stage, I get terrible stage fright every time I sing on my own. At least, I had gotten it every time. Until this time. I still can't really believe it myself. I wasn't really nervous at all. I should have been! I ended up not even doing my third song because the keyboard was tiny and it threw me off to be playing in a different octave than I had practiced. But it didn't make a difference. And I probably could chalk it up to the relaxed atmosphere, there was really no pressure. Except that my parents and a bunch of friends were there to watch, which is usually more stressful on me than playing for strangers. But it just didn't happen. In addition to it being my first appearance of my original songs, it's the first time I've sung on my own since really committing this music thing to God, since I really started to follow Him in that direction. And I definitely believe that it was His hand that kept my anxiety at bay. That part of me that knows now that I was born for this is apparently stronger than I realized. I sing because God wants me to. And now, in return, He's given me the calmness and the strength and the talent that I need to do it. Don't get me wrong, I'm still all about practicing as much as I can, doing my part to do my best. But I sang on Friday like I've never sung before. It didn't matter who was watching. God just touched me and gave me what I needed to follow Him. He helped me cast my inhibitions aside and just be who I'm supposed to be. It was the most amazing feeling. I can't wait to see what's next.
I better back up a bit.
Friday was the first time that I've played anything I've written for a live audience. I expected to be super nervous, like I always do. I'll let you in on a secret: despite how much I love the stage, I get terrible stage fright every time I sing on my own. At least, I had gotten it every time. Until this time. I still can't really believe it myself. I wasn't really nervous at all. I should have been! I ended up not even doing my third song because the keyboard was tiny and it threw me off to be playing in a different octave than I had practiced. But it didn't make a difference. And I probably could chalk it up to the relaxed atmosphere, there was really no pressure. Except that my parents and a bunch of friends were there to watch, which is usually more stressful on me than playing for strangers. But it just didn't happen. In addition to it being my first appearance of my original songs, it's the first time I've sung on my own since really committing this music thing to God, since I really started to follow Him in that direction. And I definitely believe that it was His hand that kept my anxiety at bay. That part of me that knows now that I was born for this is apparently stronger than I realized. I sing because God wants me to. And now, in return, He's given me the calmness and the strength and the talent that I need to do it. Don't get me wrong, I'm still all about practicing as much as I can, doing my part to do my best. But I sang on Friday like I've never sung before. It didn't matter who was watching. God just touched me and gave me what I needed to follow Him. He helped me cast my inhibitions aside and just be who I'm supposed to be. It was the most amazing feeling. I can't wait to see what's next.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Hope Now
so here i am, less than 6 weeks away from my trip to my future. It occured to me that nowhere in this blog did i actually say that i got the opportunity to hand a copy of my demo to brandon heath, an artist that i really respect. he game me his email adress so we could try to keep in touch and maybe hang out when i'm in nashville. right now, i'm just waiting to give him some to listen to the demo, and hoping he'll get back to me without losing it or forgetting it or something like that. so of course, every day seems like it takes forever. i'm dying to write him, to see if he likes the songs. to see if he'll let me shadow him while i'm down there. and if i can do that, then maybe, if i'm really lucky, i might have more than one friend there when i go to move.
so here's the catch: i'm completely broke. i still need upwards of $350 to rent a car there so that i can hand out my resume in every place i can find. let alone the money to move. and yet, i know this is God's call for me. every day that goes by just affirms it. i know that my path leads to nashville. i just don't know how or when. with the people God's placed in my life at this point, it really seems iminent. the ball is definitely off and rolling now. and i've sold out to it. i know that, no matter how the next stage of my life happens, God made me for music, and i'm done running from it.
there's this crazy dichotomy between being sold out to this path, and the fact that there's no funding for it. my world quite literally rests in the balance of hope alone. for maybe the first time ever, i really trust God. i know that He is good, and that He is good to me. there are, of course, natural fears about moving. but i trust Him for this. i think. it's almost like i have no choice but to trust Him at this point. i'm past the point of return on this one, so if it falls, it's gonna be messy. so i choose to keep believing that God will make a way for it. if i don't follow Him, i have no hope at all.
so here's the catch: i'm completely broke. i still need upwards of $350 to rent a car there so that i can hand out my resume in every place i can find. let alone the money to move. and yet, i know this is God's call for me. every day that goes by just affirms it. i know that my path leads to nashville. i just don't know how or when. with the people God's placed in my life at this point, it really seems iminent. the ball is definitely off and rolling now. and i've sold out to it. i know that, no matter how the next stage of my life happens, God made me for music, and i'm done running from it.
there's this crazy dichotomy between being sold out to this path, and the fact that there's no funding for it. my world quite literally rests in the balance of hope alone. for maybe the first time ever, i really trust God. i know that He is good, and that He is good to me. there are, of course, natural fears about moving. but i trust Him for this. i think. it's almost like i have no choice but to trust Him at this point. i'm past the point of return on this one, so if it falls, it's gonna be messy. so i choose to keep believing that God will make a way for it. if i don't follow Him, i have no hope at all.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
I'm About to Come Alive
Today's just been a weird day. at the risk of sounding like a crazy person, i have to say, i've had the strangest feeling all day. do you ever get that, when it's like your stomach's tied up in knots and you don't really know why? well, i do. i spent today somewhere between fearfully nervous and uncertain anticipation. even now, while i'm trying to settle down for the night, i can't shake it. i don't know for sure, but i have the impression that it's something to do with my future, which path will be opened for me. it feels like maybe i'm on the brink of something big. like maybe the life i've always wanted is about to be mine. but there's a certain uncertainty about it. like a dream shrouded in mist and mystery. so i've spent the better part of the day in prayer for the major players in this situation, asking for God's will to be done. i'm not even sure what i should pray for. i hope that someday soon i'll understand what this is all about. but for now, my friends, i'll try to see if this notion will let me sleep.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Start Over Again
it's finally Easter again! for me, it's the best day of the whole year. the resurrection of Jesus is the best thing that ever happened for all of us, whether you admit it or not. it is the single greatest act of love that has ever been given; it gave us access to the very throne of heaven. imagine!! this is the day when the Creator of everything we can see and so much that we can't stepped out and claimed me, once and for all. His heart beat for me that day. He gave Himself up for me. what then can i offer in return but all i have?
a pastor once told me that he used Easter as his new year, and it's stuck with me. there's nothing too special about january 1. sure, we hang a new calendar and write a different date on our checks, but is that really significant? not for me. Easter, on the other hand, is the day that everything became new again. this is the day where our slates are wiped clean, the origin of everything in my life that's good.
so as i stand here today, looking back over the last year, i see how far God has taken me. it's been a rough year, to say the least. but now i can see pieces of why some things happened the way they did. i needed to break. so He broke me, pretty completely. but in that brokenness came such a beautiful surrender! i wish there were words for me to explain it to you. i've finally surrendered myself to what He made me to be. i found myself, who i really am, in Him. right there, where i thought i'd looked a million times. i'd always grazed right over it before. but this year, He showed me, put me in a situation where i HAD to see it. and now i have this incredible, indescribable freedom in this surrender.
don't get me wrong, i'm definitely still a work in progress. just how this surrender is going to play out is still very much up in the air, and some days it's all i can do to hold on to that faith that He's still in control. but if you had told me last year that this is where i would be today, that the things that have happened in my life would be happening, i'm pretty sure i wouldn't have believed you. but i think i'm happy here. as scary, confusing, exhilerating, and transient as my current situation is, i know it's in line with who God made me to be, and i wouldn't trade it for anything. it took a lot, but i made definite progress this year. because of God's relentless pursuit of me (me!), i have grown. how thankful i am for His love!
a pastor once told me that he used Easter as his new year, and it's stuck with me. there's nothing too special about january 1. sure, we hang a new calendar and write a different date on our checks, but is that really significant? not for me. Easter, on the other hand, is the day that everything became new again. this is the day where our slates are wiped clean, the origin of everything in my life that's good.
so as i stand here today, looking back over the last year, i see how far God has taken me. it's been a rough year, to say the least. but now i can see pieces of why some things happened the way they did. i needed to break. so He broke me, pretty completely. but in that brokenness came such a beautiful surrender! i wish there were words for me to explain it to you. i've finally surrendered myself to what He made me to be. i found myself, who i really am, in Him. right there, where i thought i'd looked a million times. i'd always grazed right over it before. but this year, He showed me, put me in a situation where i HAD to see it. and now i have this incredible, indescribable freedom in this surrender.
don't get me wrong, i'm definitely still a work in progress. just how this surrender is going to play out is still very much up in the air, and some days it's all i can do to hold on to that faith that He's still in control. but if you had told me last year that this is where i would be today, that the things that have happened in my life would be happening, i'm pretty sure i wouldn't have believed you. but i think i'm happy here. as scary, confusing, exhilerating, and transient as my current situation is, i know it's in line with who God made me to be, and i wouldn't trade it for anything. it took a lot, but i made definite progress this year. because of God's relentless pursuit of me (me!), i have grown. how thankful i am for His love!
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Finding Me
it's been a bit since i've written, hasn't it? i feel like everything's happening so fast. it's almost april, for pete's sake! (don't ask me who pete is, i'm not sure myself) i was looking over the current worship schedule for my church last week; it runs through june. it hit me that, if all goes as planned, i won't get another worship schedule. i'd like to move at the end of june. i guess i'm just really starting to feel it, to understand how soon it could be. of course, nothing says it's going to go that way. i might be stuck moving back in with my parents (Lord help us all!) if things don't work out. but odds are good that i won't be here anymore.
i've lived here almost 3 years, and i'm just now starting to feel like i fit. i've ended up in a church that feels like home, a place undoubtedly divine for where God wants my life right now. this is the place where God put the pieces to help move me forward, a way and a place to record, talented musicians to work with, and some people who support this crazy dream of mine. these people, this place, has helped me find who i am. the more i write, the move i invest in my music, the more i find myself, as God intended me to be. i see so much more clearly the woman He made me to be. for the first time, i know what to do with my life. i know what i'm made for now. and apparently it shows. several of my friends have commented on how well i sound now that i'm really pursuing this. i found my purpose, and it's made all the difference.
but it's that very thing, that purpose, that takes me away from here. and i'm okay with that this time. in years past, when i thought about leaving, i was terrified. but now, i know it's okay. i know God has other plans for me. as much as i am so grateful for everything and everyone that i've found here, i'm still excited to move on. to go where i've been sent. to be who i'm made to be. and i must leave behind the ones who have helped me to see that. it makes me sad to think of leaving everything i've found here. praise the Lord we live in an age with technology that helps us keep in touch from almost anywhere. whatever happens with this music of mine, i owe it to the people here, those who have encouraged me to reach for the impossible. i can't thank you enough.
i've lived here almost 3 years, and i'm just now starting to feel like i fit. i've ended up in a church that feels like home, a place undoubtedly divine for where God wants my life right now. this is the place where God put the pieces to help move me forward, a way and a place to record, talented musicians to work with, and some people who support this crazy dream of mine. these people, this place, has helped me find who i am. the more i write, the move i invest in my music, the more i find myself, as God intended me to be. i see so much more clearly the woman He made me to be. for the first time, i know what to do with my life. i know what i'm made for now. and apparently it shows. several of my friends have commented on how well i sound now that i'm really pursuing this. i found my purpose, and it's made all the difference.
but it's that very thing, that purpose, that takes me away from here. and i'm okay with that this time. in years past, when i thought about leaving, i was terrified. but now, i know it's okay. i know God has other plans for me. as much as i am so grateful for everything and everyone that i've found here, i'm still excited to move on. to go where i've been sent. to be who i'm made to be. and i must leave behind the ones who have helped me to see that. it makes me sad to think of leaving everything i've found here. praise the Lord we live in an age with technology that helps us keep in touch from almost anywhere. whatever happens with this music of mine, i owe it to the people here, those who have encouraged me to reach for the impossible. i can't thank you enough.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Meant to Live
So much to tell, my friends. it's been a big week in so many ways. so many emotions that don't agree with each other.
i think i'll start with the present, and we'll get around to the title later. what i'm feeling at the moment falls into the category of things i wouldn't tell you face to face. things i keep inside, and yet post here for the whole world to see. i want someone to know, to look for the answer. but speaking the words out loud? no thanks. i'll stick to secret confessions in strangely public places that none of my friends will ever actually read. i get to feel like i've told someone without anyone actually knowing.
the problem is, there's really no one to tell. it's not the crippling emptiness that used to haunt me, but it's still a very significant pain. it's still strange, adjusting to having no one there. no one to gush to about how brandon heath did that incredible thing that guys do when you're walking with them, and they put their hand on the small of your back to guide you. so chivalrous and somehow strangely intimate, especially for strangers. quite possibly the best feeling i've had, to date. i want to tell the world, but there's only one person i've talked to about it. and even there, i have reservations. my life is so crazily impossible right now that i feel it's a lot to ask anyone to stand by me through it. the road ahead promises to be long and unpredictable, and it's hard for me to ask someone to walk it with me. and so i go it alone. sometimes, like tonight, i tire of working so hard to avoid it and let myself feel the gaping hole in my chest, dug and blasted out through lonliness and betrayals. i have no more strength to ignore it, so i just feel. feel so many things i wish i'd never learned at all. but mostly just sadness, for being so alone like this, and impatience, for my life to get moving toward the serious changes i know are coming.
last sunday night was the first concert i've been to since i really submitted to God with this whole music thing He's set before me. and it was amazing. instead of aching to be a part of it all, i had this incredible excitement and anticipation for the day, hopefully not too far off, when i WILL be a part of it. i got the chance to talk to brandon heath a bit, which was really awesome. he was really cool, even though he kind of brushed me off. he looked so tired though; i wasn't at all offended. but i realized, driving home, that my instinctual, internal response to that brush-off was an indignance that i hadn't known existed. something in me said firmly that i'm not just some fan, a crazy girl with a dream. this is what God specifically created me for and called me to. who is brandon to doubt me, to blow me off? and when i realized that's what i was feeling, i knew, with a certainty i hadn't had before. this is it for me. impossible as it seems, God intends me for nashville, for the music world. really and truly, no matter what it may feel like sometimes. it's not just this dream i have. it's a reality God can hardly wait to experience with me. and that absolutely floors me. that i serve a God so loving and compassionate and strong that He would not only create this incredible plan for me, but take me on it, walk with me on it, experience all of it step by step, at my side, is too much for me to comprehend. that's love as i've never known it, never been able to grasp it. i may not ever understand why He's chosen this amazing way to show His love for me; i only know that He has. and it makes me all the more eager to be in a position to move, to get down to nashville, to be there in the community He's created for me, to move on with my life, find people who understand me really, maybe people i can really talk to, to fill up the empty spaces i feel right now. new friends, new adventures, new brothers and sisters to walk with. and so i'm eager to move on. can't wait to move on. for now all i can do is take the next step.
i think i'll start with the present, and we'll get around to the title later. what i'm feeling at the moment falls into the category of things i wouldn't tell you face to face. things i keep inside, and yet post here for the whole world to see. i want someone to know, to look for the answer. but speaking the words out loud? no thanks. i'll stick to secret confessions in strangely public places that none of my friends will ever actually read. i get to feel like i've told someone without anyone actually knowing.
the problem is, there's really no one to tell. it's not the crippling emptiness that used to haunt me, but it's still a very significant pain. it's still strange, adjusting to having no one there. no one to gush to about how brandon heath did that incredible thing that guys do when you're walking with them, and they put their hand on the small of your back to guide you. so chivalrous and somehow strangely intimate, especially for strangers. quite possibly the best feeling i've had, to date. i want to tell the world, but there's only one person i've talked to about it. and even there, i have reservations. my life is so crazily impossible right now that i feel it's a lot to ask anyone to stand by me through it. the road ahead promises to be long and unpredictable, and it's hard for me to ask someone to walk it with me. and so i go it alone. sometimes, like tonight, i tire of working so hard to avoid it and let myself feel the gaping hole in my chest, dug and blasted out through lonliness and betrayals. i have no more strength to ignore it, so i just feel. feel so many things i wish i'd never learned at all. but mostly just sadness, for being so alone like this, and impatience, for my life to get moving toward the serious changes i know are coming.
last sunday night was the first concert i've been to since i really submitted to God with this whole music thing He's set before me. and it was amazing. instead of aching to be a part of it all, i had this incredible excitement and anticipation for the day, hopefully not too far off, when i WILL be a part of it. i got the chance to talk to brandon heath a bit, which was really awesome. he was really cool, even though he kind of brushed me off. he looked so tired though; i wasn't at all offended. but i realized, driving home, that my instinctual, internal response to that brush-off was an indignance that i hadn't known existed. something in me said firmly that i'm not just some fan, a crazy girl with a dream. this is what God specifically created me for and called me to. who is brandon to doubt me, to blow me off? and when i realized that's what i was feeling, i knew, with a certainty i hadn't had before. this is it for me. impossible as it seems, God intends me for nashville, for the music world. really and truly, no matter what it may feel like sometimes. it's not just this dream i have. it's a reality God can hardly wait to experience with me. and that absolutely floors me. that i serve a God so loving and compassionate and strong that He would not only create this incredible plan for me, but take me on it, walk with me on it, experience all of it step by step, at my side, is too much for me to comprehend. that's love as i've never known it, never been able to grasp it. i may not ever understand why He's chosen this amazing way to show His love for me; i only know that He has. and it makes me all the more eager to be in a position to move, to get down to nashville, to be there in the community He's created for me, to move on with my life, find people who understand me really, maybe people i can really talk to, to fill up the empty spaces i feel right now. new friends, new adventures, new brothers and sisters to walk with. and so i'm eager to move on. can't wait to move on. for now all i can do is take the next step.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Now You Know
tonight is probably one of those nights where it might be smarter for me not to write at all. i want this page to be about things i'm learning, steps i'm taking. and tonight i'm just kind of moody. but, since i'm pretty sure no one's reading this anyway (except maybe my sister-in-law...), i figured what the heck. why not put my crazy emotional self out there on the internet for anyone to see? maybe there IS someone reading. maybe you'll see a piece of me you didn't know was in there somewhere. maybe you'll come to understand me a little more, or maybe say a prayer for me.
you know how sometimes, after you've been through something that shook your whole world, you think you've worked through it and you're past it, and then out of nowhere, you hear someone say a certain phrase or a particular song plays, and you're right back where you thought you wouldn't be anymore? if that made any sense to you, that's where i am tonight. there's a particular relationship in my life that has always been tumultuous, but i thought maybe this time it would stick. and maybe it still will, i don't know. but tonight i'm feeling like i'm right back in that place i've been too many times, watching someone i care about slip away, knowing there's nothing i can do. maybe i should know better by now. but it still hurts all the same. still leaves me broken, empty, alone.
add to that the fact that today i recorded my first set of vocals for a song i wrote, and it really stinks. i have an extremely low budget, so my equipment isn't great (understatement...), but i really thought it would sound better than it does. and so i have to wonder, is it just me? do i really just suck that much? and if that's the case, then why is God calling me the direction He's calling me? i feel extremely untalented and undeserving to sing anywhere that people might hear me. i feel like a sham. and yet, i don't know who i am without music.
i wish that i had someone to come alongside me and tell me that it doesn't suck as much as i think it does. i wish i had someone to talk to about my hopes and dreams, someone who would support me and stand with me when it gets hard like this. i don't believe in myself much tonight. and it's in these moments of uncertainty, when i'm not sure i'm worth much at all, that i am most painfully alone. i realize this post is kind of one giant downer, but at least i'm being honest. right now, this is a part of who i am. i wish it wasn't, believe me. but it's just a fact. being alone sucks. here's hoping you never find yourself in my shoes.
you know how sometimes, after you've been through something that shook your whole world, you think you've worked through it and you're past it, and then out of nowhere, you hear someone say a certain phrase or a particular song plays, and you're right back where you thought you wouldn't be anymore? if that made any sense to you, that's where i am tonight. there's a particular relationship in my life that has always been tumultuous, but i thought maybe this time it would stick. and maybe it still will, i don't know. but tonight i'm feeling like i'm right back in that place i've been too many times, watching someone i care about slip away, knowing there's nothing i can do. maybe i should know better by now. but it still hurts all the same. still leaves me broken, empty, alone.
add to that the fact that today i recorded my first set of vocals for a song i wrote, and it really stinks. i have an extremely low budget, so my equipment isn't great (understatement...), but i really thought it would sound better than it does. and so i have to wonder, is it just me? do i really just suck that much? and if that's the case, then why is God calling me the direction He's calling me? i feel extremely untalented and undeserving to sing anywhere that people might hear me. i feel like a sham. and yet, i don't know who i am without music.
i wish that i had someone to come alongside me and tell me that it doesn't suck as much as i think it does. i wish i had someone to talk to about my hopes and dreams, someone who would support me and stand with me when it gets hard like this. i don't believe in myself much tonight. and it's in these moments of uncertainty, when i'm not sure i'm worth much at all, that i am most painfully alone. i realize this post is kind of one giant downer, but at least i'm being honest. right now, this is a part of who i am. i wish it wasn't, believe me. but it's just a fact. being alone sucks. here's hoping you never find yourself in my shoes.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Help Me Believe
We find ourselves on the edge of the Lenten season again. Being from a more evangelical background, I've never observed Lent. neither has the church i'm currently going to. until now. we're not observing it in the traditional sense, where i would give up chocolate or Pepsi (sweet nectar of life...) or some other thing i would miss terribly. my pastor wants us all to think of something we can add in the next 46 days that we can do every day to enhance our relationship with God, or to find a barrier that we can subtract from our lives to bring us closer to Christ. We all write them down on pieces of paper and tack them to a cross set up in the church. it's a really personal thing, not necessarily meant to be shared with others. but you won't tell, will you?
from the moment the pastor introduced the idea, i knew what i needed to give up. it's been hindering me for a while now. a constant struggle sometimes, dragging me down. you see, i have this constant fear in the back of my mind that God will, in fact, forsake me. He'll lead me on and make me think i'm on the right path, and then just drop me; i'll watch all the doors shut and find myself lost in the middle of something i never expected, with no idea where to go. even though my theology disagrees, the fear is still real. i don't trust God to see me through. maybe because i've spent years feeling like i'm going nowhere, like i'm just lost and He's not helping at all.
but then again, it's only been in the past few months that i've really committed to following His will for me. i'm in it now, come what may. i know where He wants me to go, and i'm trying to do what i can to get there, one step at a time. and in return, He's started to open up some doors. maybe. contacts that may or may not lead to something. i'm really still waiting to see real opportunities, something that will help me move to Nashville, or at least be more involved in the music scene. so far, i might know some people who could help with that, but then again, they may not be able to help where the rubber meets the road. it's all still so up in the air.
in the midst of this uncertainty, i've asked God for something big. some affirmation that He's not going to let me fall. i won't tell you exactly what i've asked for (you might make fun of me...), but it's pretty far out there, definitely exceeding the boundaries of "reality." but, in the spirit of giving God the opportunity to work in a way i wouldn't normally expect, i did what i could and put some feelers out. and that's not to say that i expect God to do this; i certainly don't. it's definitely beyond what i could dream or imagaine....though i suppose that's His specialty, isn't it? if He chooses to grant my request, it's not like i think i'll never doubt again. fear will still try to creep it's ugly head in. but it'll at least give me something big and specific that i can point back to and tell myself that He's there for me. so if you're reading this, pray with me, will you? i can't cast out this fear by myself. i need Him to help me believe.
from the moment the pastor introduced the idea, i knew what i needed to give up. it's been hindering me for a while now. a constant struggle sometimes, dragging me down. you see, i have this constant fear in the back of my mind that God will, in fact, forsake me. He'll lead me on and make me think i'm on the right path, and then just drop me; i'll watch all the doors shut and find myself lost in the middle of something i never expected, with no idea where to go. even though my theology disagrees, the fear is still real. i don't trust God to see me through. maybe because i've spent years feeling like i'm going nowhere, like i'm just lost and He's not helping at all.
but then again, it's only been in the past few months that i've really committed to following His will for me. i'm in it now, come what may. i know where He wants me to go, and i'm trying to do what i can to get there, one step at a time. and in return, He's started to open up some doors. maybe. contacts that may or may not lead to something. i'm really still waiting to see real opportunities, something that will help me move to Nashville, or at least be more involved in the music scene. so far, i might know some people who could help with that, but then again, they may not be able to help where the rubber meets the road. it's all still so up in the air.
in the midst of this uncertainty, i've asked God for something big. some affirmation that He's not going to let me fall. i won't tell you exactly what i've asked for (you might make fun of me...), but it's pretty far out there, definitely exceeding the boundaries of "reality." but, in the spirit of giving God the opportunity to work in a way i wouldn't normally expect, i did what i could and put some feelers out. and that's not to say that i expect God to do this; i certainly don't. it's definitely beyond what i could dream or imagaine....though i suppose that's His specialty, isn't it? if He chooses to grant my request, it's not like i think i'll never doubt again. fear will still try to creep it's ugly head in. but it'll at least give me something big and specific that i can point back to and tell myself that He's there for me. so if you're reading this, pray with me, will you? i can't cast out this fear by myself. i need Him to help me believe.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Faith My Eyes
God is calling me back to Himself. it's a strange journey we've been on, my Savior and me. He was silent for so long i thought He'd gone, and now His hand seems to be around every corner. is it simply because i'm finally actively seeking the road He's made for me? i've suspended reality enough to try to follow the very unrealistic direction He's called me, and it seems in this place where dreams might come true that He's everywhere. He's put some great people in my life that can't be there by chance. He speaks in the voice of friends new and old, helping me catch those all-important nuggets i might miss on my own.
and now, just when i'd found yet another place where i don't trust Him, He's offered a hand even before i asked. historically, the job search hasn't been a place where God's seemed to come through for me. no matter how much i prayed, sent resumes and applications, went to interviews, it made no difference. He simply refused to give me a job. subsequently, i stopped trusting that it was in His hands. the only real steady employment i've had was bad enough to give me ulcers and make me stop sleeping. so somewhere along the way, i gave up on Him coming through and took the burden back on my shoulders. it's been all up to me to figure it out.
this week, i found myself in a place once again where i had to confront my fear of the job hunt. i'll be done with my training probably in the next 4-6 weeks, and then there will be nothing left to hide behind. i'll have to get out there and bust it until i find someone who wants to pay money for my particular skill set. and when i realized that, it scared me to death. at least now i can tell myself that it's okay not to get any of the jobs i've sought because it gives me time to finish my course. but those days will soon be over and i'll have to make my own way. i have no choice but to trust God, because i believe he's ultimately in control. i'm forced to trust Him in this arena where i feel He's ignored me. needless to say, i don't have warm fuzzy feelings about this.
as i was struggling with this issue, before i'd had much time to really deal with it, i got a phone call. a month or two ago i applied for a secretarial position with the university psychology department. i'd even forgotten i'd applied until they called. i have an interview on friday morning at 10:30. when i put the phone down, i was in shock. here was God, the great God of the universe, Creator and Maker of everything and everyone I see, and so much more that i can't, reaching down to me. offering His hand first. He'd heard my cry, felt my hesitation, known my fears, and responded. in a strange way, i have a good feeling about this interview. i think it has a lot of potential to be a position where i might have down time to work on my class or write or any of the other million things i need to do. i'm strangely secure in the fact that God will carry me through it. if this is the job He's held for me, waiting until the moment when i needed Him the most, then He'll work in the hearts of those making the decision and grant me the position. and even if He doesn't, i trust Him so much more than i did just days ago. He's already come through for me so that i know i can depend on Him. He will not leave me stranded here. He will not place a dream in me and not make a way for me to capture it. they're so far off, and yet i feel as though, for the first time, my dreams are really within my reach. i can do this. this is what God made me for and what He wants from me; and as long as i faithfully seek after what He's given me, He'll make the road i'm looking for. i can put my faith in Him again, in this place where i couldn't for so long. the strength of my God is great.
and now, just when i'd found yet another place where i don't trust Him, He's offered a hand even before i asked. historically, the job search hasn't been a place where God's seemed to come through for me. no matter how much i prayed, sent resumes and applications, went to interviews, it made no difference. He simply refused to give me a job. subsequently, i stopped trusting that it was in His hands. the only real steady employment i've had was bad enough to give me ulcers and make me stop sleeping. so somewhere along the way, i gave up on Him coming through and took the burden back on my shoulders. it's been all up to me to figure it out.
this week, i found myself in a place once again where i had to confront my fear of the job hunt. i'll be done with my training probably in the next 4-6 weeks, and then there will be nothing left to hide behind. i'll have to get out there and bust it until i find someone who wants to pay money for my particular skill set. and when i realized that, it scared me to death. at least now i can tell myself that it's okay not to get any of the jobs i've sought because it gives me time to finish my course. but those days will soon be over and i'll have to make my own way. i have no choice but to trust God, because i believe he's ultimately in control. i'm forced to trust Him in this arena where i feel He's ignored me. needless to say, i don't have warm fuzzy feelings about this.
as i was struggling with this issue, before i'd had much time to really deal with it, i got a phone call. a month or two ago i applied for a secretarial position with the university psychology department. i'd even forgotten i'd applied until they called. i have an interview on friday morning at 10:30. when i put the phone down, i was in shock. here was God, the great God of the universe, Creator and Maker of everything and everyone I see, and so much more that i can't, reaching down to me. offering His hand first. He'd heard my cry, felt my hesitation, known my fears, and responded. in a strange way, i have a good feeling about this interview. i think it has a lot of potential to be a position where i might have down time to work on my class or write or any of the other million things i need to do. i'm strangely secure in the fact that God will carry me through it. if this is the job He's held for me, waiting until the moment when i needed Him the most, then He'll work in the hearts of those making the decision and grant me the position. and even if He doesn't, i trust Him so much more than i did just days ago. He's already come through for me so that i know i can depend on Him. He will not leave me stranded here. He will not place a dream in me and not make a way for me to capture it. they're so far off, and yet i feel as though, for the first time, my dreams are really within my reach. i can do this. this is what God made me for and what He wants from me; and as long as i faithfully seek after what He's given me, He'll make the road i'm looking for. i can put my faith in Him again, in this place where i couldn't for so long. the strength of my God is great.
Friday, January 16, 2009
For the Moments I Feel Faint
So today I'm just sitting, mulling over everything that's happening to me. Even though nothing's really happened yet, it already feels surreal. I want someone to share it with, to get excited with. But I don't have that right now. A bittersweet moment in this rush of events.
I suppose a lot of my excitements rides on hope. Which, in itself, is a miracle. Less than a month ago I had no hope at all. And now I live on it. I breathe it in and out, each day, each moment. I don't think there's ever been a time where I've so clearly followed God's direction. And He's been so good to give me that extra encouragement, that confirmation, in the moments I feel faint. It still seems strange to me that God's will and my desires should line up. Somewhere along the way, He became someone who didn't care about my happiness, who just wanted His own way. Or so I thought. But now, it feels like He's desperately sharing His heart for me, leading me down this path that I still can't believe I'm on. Like He wants to capture my heart again, to pull me back to everything I've been missing for so long.
And I have to ask myself, will I still feel this way in a week or two? a month or two? I want to be content and steadfast for longer than that, but so often it seems my fears and my doubts get the best of me. It's easy to doubt that my dreams are wrong. But I'm starting to learn that God created my dreams, too. They're not just from me. He made me for a purpose, for a calling, for the one thing that makes my heart full, that makes my joy in life complete.
I guess I'd better get on to what's actually happening, hadn't I? I guess in a way, I'm waiting to hear back from Derek Webb. That alone is so surreal. In real life, I know Derek's brother, who, for obvious reasons, has contacts out in Nashville, that promised land to which I look. I've been writing non-stop lately, and I felt God asking me to try to sell something I've written. Now, don't misunderstand me, in no way do I actually believe anything I currently have could really be good enough to be worth something to someone other than me. But in the interest of being obedient, I'm suspending that reality until further notice. Anyway, I digress... Not knowing anyone out in Nashville, having no idea where to start, I contacted Brandon Webb and asked if he had any pointers or ideas, or maybe could connect me with someone who does. After about a week I hadn't had any response to the email I'd sent him, I was seriously doubting. Nothing was happening and I had no place else to go. So I prayed that night for some sort of confirmation, that God would just let me know that I'm going His direction with this whole thing, because if it's not His, I may as well bail on it now. Lo and behold, I wake up the next morning with a response in my inbox, saying he contacted Derek and is waiting for a response. It was like God just said "Don't worry." That was about a week ago, so I'm getting a little anxious for a response again.
In the meantime, I was given another contact in the community who has experience writing out in Nashville. It was so out of the blue, a friend just mentioned her name, told me how to contact her, and I did. We're meeting next week to chat about things. It may not sound like much, but I'm so excited! I have hope that she'll turn out to be a friend, a mentor, an aid in this whole process. It seems she still goes to Nashville fairly regularly, so hope wonders if maybe I could tag along next time. Maybe I'll get to go out before June. Maybe she'll have these great contacts, people she can introduce me too. Maybe she'll even be someone I can write with. It's like one big unknown that could turn into so much. I don't want to think about where I'll be if it's a dud. What if she doesn't like me? I can't rest on that thought right now. I need the hope. Hope that God is leading me down the greatest adventure of my life, the adventure He created me for. The one He placed in my heart before I was born. Who knows, maybe this is it. I'll keep you posted.
I suppose a lot of my excitements rides on hope. Which, in itself, is a miracle. Less than a month ago I had no hope at all. And now I live on it. I breathe it in and out, each day, each moment. I don't think there's ever been a time where I've so clearly followed God's direction. And He's been so good to give me that extra encouragement, that confirmation, in the moments I feel faint. It still seems strange to me that God's will and my desires should line up. Somewhere along the way, He became someone who didn't care about my happiness, who just wanted His own way. Or so I thought. But now, it feels like He's desperately sharing His heart for me, leading me down this path that I still can't believe I'm on. Like He wants to capture my heart again, to pull me back to everything I've been missing for so long.
And I have to ask myself, will I still feel this way in a week or two? a month or two? I want to be content and steadfast for longer than that, but so often it seems my fears and my doubts get the best of me. It's easy to doubt that my dreams are wrong. But I'm starting to learn that God created my dreams, too. They're not just from me. He made me for a purpose, for a calling, for the one thing that makes my heart full, that makes my joy in life complete.
I guess I'd better get on to what's actually happening, hadn't I? I guess in a way, I'm waiting to hear back from Derek Webb. That alone is so surreal. In real life, I know Derek's brother, who, for obvious reasons, has contacts out in Nashville, that promised land to which I look. I've been writing non-stop lately, and I felt God asking me to try to sell something I've written. Now, don't misunderstand me, in no way do I actually believe anything I currently have could really be good enough to be worth something to someone other than me. But in the interest of being obedient, I'm suspending that reality until further notice. Anyway, I digress... Not knowing anyone out in Nashville, having no idea where to start, I contacted Brandon Webb and asked if he had any pointers or ideas, or maybe could connect me with someone who does. After about a week I hadn't had any response to the email I'd sent him, I was seriously doubting. Nothing was happening and I had no place else to go. So I prayed that night for some sort of confirmation, that God would just let me know that I'm going His direction with this whole thing, because if it's not His, I may as well bail on it now. Lo and behold, I wake up the next morning with a response in my inbox, saying he contacted Derek and is waiting for a response. It was like God just said "Don't worry." That was about a week ago, so I'm getting a little anxious for a response again.
In the meantime, I was given another contact in the community who has experience writing out in Nashville. It was so out of the blue, a friend just mentioned her name, told me how to contact her, and I did. We're meeting next week to chat about things. It may not sound like much, but I'm so excited! I have hope that she'll turn out to be a friend, a mentor, an aid in this whole process. It seems she still goes to Nashville fairly regularly, so hope wonders if maybe I could tag along next time. Maybe I'll get to go out before June. Maybe she'll have these great contacts, people she can introduce me too. Maybe she'll even be someone I can write with. It's like one big unknown that could turn into so much. I don't want to think about where I'll be if it's a dud. What if she doesn't like me? I can't rest on that thought right now. I need the hope. Hope that God is leading me down the greatest adventure of my life, the adventure He created me for. The one He placed in my heart before I was born. Who knows, maybe this is it. I'll keep you posted.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Don't Get Comfortable
i find myself wondering tonight if dreams really can come true. for as long as i can remember, i've loved to sing and write. somewhere around junior high i started writing my own songs. (lyrics mostly. i usually have a melody to go along, but i have a hard time finding just the right chord progression.) and until recently, i always thought it was just a dream. see, i come from a family of musicians who have never followed their dreams. they're all talented, my family, but none of them have ever chased the dream. am i the one to change that?
here's the thing: i really believe God is calling me to Nashville. from where i stand at the moment, i have no idea how that will happen. i can't afford to move, and i'm not sure how i ever will. it looks impossible. and yet, i can't let it go. i feel the pull now more than ever before. that's the world i was made for. don't get me wrong, it's not like i have these big expectations of "making it" when i get out there. i may not be spectacular, but i just might be decent. the past month or so i can't seem to stop writing. God wouldn't put this in me if He didn't intend to fulfill it, right? not like this, not this way, with everything that i am. nothing else speaks to me like writing music. it's where my passion is. beyond that, i have no idea what i should do. nothing gets me excited; i don't truly enjoy anything else the way i do when i write.
but what if I'm wrong? what if i've misread all the signs and this isn't what God intends for me at all? but even as i write that, it doesn't feel true. i can't convince the deepest parts of me that there's anything else out there for me like music. i can't get myself to settle. something ingrained in me says i have to chase this. and i've finally really committed to doing it. as soon as it's possible, i'm getting myself to Nashville for good. and yet....it seems hopeless. just as i truly come to terms with leaving everything i've ever known, i also see the reality that there might not be a way to be anywhere but here.
God wants us to live life abundantly. He wants us to overflow with who He made us to be. and more than anything, i know that i was made for music. but does it follow that He would make a way for me to get out there? would He really help me chase this? my finite mind can't put together a God who would create such a passion in me for music, for only music, and never see it fulfilled.
so why am i still so afraid that i'm wrong? i feel a bit like i'm walking down the yellow brick road with dorothy and the tin man, on the journey toward something huge, Someone who could help with my biggest desire. and not sure that He'll help me. dorothy was lucky. she had those ruby slippers that granted her wish. guess i'll have to wait and see if i've got a pair.
here's the thing: i really believe God is calling me to Nashville. from where i stand at the moment, i have no idea how that will happen. i can't afford to move, and i'm not sure how i ever will. it looks impossible. and yet, i can't let it go. i feel the pull now more than ever before. that's the world i was made for. don't get me wrong, it's not like i have these big expectations of "making it" when i get out there. i may not be spectacular, but i just might be decent. the past month or so i can't seem to stop writing. God wouldn't put this in me if He didn't intend to fulfill it, right? not like this, not this way, with everything that i am. nothing else speaks to me like writing music. it's where my passion is. beyond that, i have no idea what i should do. nothing gets me excited; i don't truly enjoy anything else the way i do when i write.
but what if I'm wrong? what if i've misread all the signs and this isn't what God intends for me at all? but even as i write that, it doesn't feel true. i can't convince the deepest parts of me that there's anything else out there for me like music. i can't get myself to settle. something ingrained in me says i have to chase this. and i've finally really committed to doing it. as soon as it's possible, i'm getting myself to Nashville for good. and yet....it seems hopeless. just as i truly come to terms with leaving everything i've ever known, i also see the reality that there might not be a way to be anywhere but here.
God wants us to live life abundantly. He wants us to overflow with who He made us to be. and more than anything, i know that i was made for music. but does it follow that He would make a way for me to get out there? would He really help me chase this? my finite mind can't put together a God who would create such a passion in me for music, for only music, and never see it fulfilled.
so why am i still so afraid that i'm wrong? i feel a bit like i'm walking down the yellow brick road with dorothy and the tin man, on the journey toward something huge, Someone who could help with my biggest desire. and not sure that He'll help me. dorothy was lucky. she had those ruby slippers that granted her wish. guess i'll have to wait and see if i've got a pair.
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