Over It

What a week. I went to the Dove Awards for the first time this week. It was my first time at the Opry House, too, so it was pretty amazing. It’s probably a good thing I was way in the back, because I was kind of dorking out. I can’t watch people like Toby Mac and sit still. I’m sorry, it’s just impossible. I hadn’t even really planned on going until that morning I went online to look at ticket prices and realized I have my tax refund money, so I could afford it. On a (rather expensive) whim, I bought a ticket, left work early, and got myself prettied up.

It was a really emotional experience for me. It never, not even for a minute, felt like I was sitting in the room with a bunch of “celebrities” or “stars.” Didn’t even cross my mind. It felt like family. It felt like coming home. Like finally being in the right place. But still, somehow, just on the edge of things. Looking through the glass but not quite able to slip through and truly be a part of it. It was agonizingly wonderful. To be in a room with so many people I want to work with and learn from was really amazing.

For all you artists out there, have you ever had that feeling at a show, like the music is calling you? There’s just something about it that draws my heart into it and brings out a longing like none other I have. The longing to do the one thing I was made to do. I’m at such a unique place right now and I’m trying to savor it. I haven’t had time to become jaded or cynical yet, so I’m still very much enjoying every second I spend making music. At the same time, I feel desperately inadequate. Last night I worked on a project with some friends, including two really amazing artists that are both at a place where they don’t need a “day job,” so to speak. On the way home, I was praying about how inadequate I felt with these two friends, and then a phrase jumped into my brain.

Get over it.

Not in a gruff way, but in a gentle, loving way. I needed to get over myself, but not because of my abilities, but the lack thereof. It was like God said “this is what I made you to do, so forget comparing yourself with them. If you were not weak, the world would not see my strength and my great affection for you. It’s not a competition. It’s a love song.”

I’ve been mulling it over for a few days now, and I know it’s true. I have to own this. We are all broken, messed up sinners. Every one of us, no matter how many records we sell. We are all on even footing, even if it seems some are ahead. I have to be okay putting myself on the same playing field as these musicians I so admire, not for my own sake, but for the sake of God’s glory shining through me. It’s what I was made for, and for that reason alone I am on even footing with every other heart out there chasing a dream. It’s definitely an idea that will take some getting used to, but it’s the next hurdle to jump.

Good Life

It’s been a pretty incredible month, friends. I’m still astonished at the u-turn my life seems to have made. Mid-february I got a job underwriting for an insurance company, which is SO much better than what I was doing before. Not what I want to do forever, but as cubicle-land goes, pretty great. I get to wear what I want, my bosses are crazy (but fun crazy), and my hours are flexible. All in all, not a bad deal.

And then there’s the big news: I’m making a record. Yes, you read that right. Don’t get too excited, it’s just an indie release, it’s not with a label or anything. A few weeks ago I was talking at a party with a friend and her husband. He does the engineering/producing side of things, and he asked if he could hear some of my stuff. I agreed, with a very “ok, whatever…” kind of attitude. I had no expectations of it at all when I sent him a couple songs. So needless to say, I was astonished when he wrote me back and said “so when are we making the record?” I said now is good, still thinking he probably didn’t really mean it. But I was wrong. We set up a time to meet and were launched into pre-production before I even realized it was happening. Now we’re a couple songs in, trying to find some time to record bass and drums. All of the sudden there are multiple people interested in, and actually excited about my music. I can’t even explain how good it feels to see someone else excited over this thing that’s so much the heart of who I am.

Now that we’re a few sessions in, I’m starting to realize just how good I’ve got it. Little did I know in that first conversation, my engineer/producer is brilliant. I mean, seriously brilliant. And I have some amazingly talented friends who have agreed to lend their gifts to this project. I am so humbled by the way God has chosen to bless me in this whole thing. I already have more than I ever knew to ask for.

At our last session I recorded my first set of vocals for the album. If you know me, you know that I’ve always been super conscious of what people think, especially when it comes to my voice. I lacked confidence, and it definitely showed. So of course it happened that way of the first couple takes, and I was pretty frustrated with myself. And then something happened that has forever changed me. I have to warn you though, it’s cheesy. In my defense, it’s not like I thought of it. It just popped into my head. So no laughing.

We’re getting ready to start the third take, and I’ve got my eyes closed, trying to focus and get in the zone. From out of nowhere, I get this picture in my head: it’s Jesus, sitting in front of me in a metal folding chair. He’s wearing the biggest grin I’ve ever seen. He has unmatched excitement and anticipation in his face, saying “This is it! This is what I made you for! You’re doing it!!” It is impossible to describe the feeling of really seeing Him as my biggest fan. So I focused on that picture and started to sing. And everything was different. My voice opened and started making the sounds I’ve tried for years to make. The anxiety was gone, even knowing there were several crazy talented people in the next room listening to me. For the first time, I owned this. Even living here, it’s always felt like something abstract and far away, and I never really believed I would get to do it. But that all changed that day. I’m really doing this. And I’m made for it.

I warned you it was cheesy. But so unbelievably, life-changingly amazing. My voice is still responding like it never has before, and the nervousness is gone. I don’t have to be afraid; I don’t have to care what other people think. I’m not doing it for them. I’m doing this because I was made to, and I’ve gotten a tiny glimpse of the joy of my Father’s heart in fulfilling His purpose for me. I can’t say that I will always sound this way or be this confident; I probably won’t. there will be times when I doubt. And maybe this whole record will turn out to be nothing but a great experience. But somehow, someway, this is what I’m for. I will sing and make music, for the Lord is good.