Brick by Brick

Immediately following my last post, I headed out of the house to go visit my kitty. on the way, i fell down the stairs in my house, breaking both bones in my left leg and dislocating my ankle. i ended up having surgery on it and returning to nebraska to stay with my parents while i recovered. i have been on bed rest for the last 7 weeks. not fun. last week i finally got to start walking in a boot, and yesterday my physical therapist freed me from obligation to the boot. i'm recovering very quickly, surprisingly. don't get me wrong, it still hurts, but it's going to for a few more months. it was a pretty dramatic injury.

now, finally, there are plans to return home. only 11 days left. i'll be back next saturday. and i will probably move again shortly thereafter. and by shortly, i mean possibly in the next few days. i think i've found a place to live where i can have my cat and afford to pay bills. i will need a TON of help moving; i can't walk around as much as i need to for something like that. i still have to take it show. on the upshot, all my stuff is still in boxes anyway, so it's really just a matter of moving them across east nashville. it shouldn't take more than a couple hours. and then i can settle in with my phoebe back and hopefully stay put for a while!

so, obviously, this incident has interfered with my photo project. i don't have what i need to post pictures here in nebraska, so i have to wait until i get home to resume.

in a way, this break from life has been good. i feel like i've gotten a firmer ground under my feet. i don't think i realized over the last year just how much the move had affected me. i love being in nashville so much that i didn't see how difficult the transition was mentally. things have been happening one after another after another since i moved; this is the first chance i've really had to sit back and think. evaluate. get a grip. turns out, i've been a crazy person all year. my whole life changed and threw me off balance, resulting in instability. i think this time away has helped me balance back out a bit. i'm not saying there aren't still major stressful things that i have to deal with, but i think i can handle them again. right now, i'm just hoping i get my job back. i'm waiting for a response from my employer. please pray that either i can go back, or i find something else right away.

i definitey feel like i'm on sturdier ground than i was for the last year. here's hoping i'll be a better person this year.

Simple Things

My dear friends, I'm not sure what to tell you about my life right now. The past few months have been outlandishly awful. Lost my job without being given a reason. Had to ask my parents for money to survive. Ouch. Hate that. had to let a good friend buy me a tank of gas. Went to my sister's wedding, saw all the family I haven't seen in years (except my favorite sister-in-law, but soon she'll be well enough to come see me!), and that was awesome. Got a great new brother out of the deal too! Definitely the highlight of my summer.

Leaving was hard this time. Last summer I was headed for a new place with all kinds of excitement, coming from 25 years near my family. But I've missed them a lot over the last year. And knowing I had no job to go back to didn't help. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm supposed to be in Nashville, and I love it here. I might not ever leave. Certainly not back to the midwest. But still, it was much harder to leave this time.

The next week, my favorite cat passed away. The vet said it looked like a heart issue that I couldn't have known about. By this time a lot of other random things had been thrown at me too, but it would take forever to take you through all of them. So i'm just going to highlight a few.

A couple weeks after Joey passed, I brought home a new kitten. I had concerns; the vet said to wait one more day and then bring him in. I woke up the next morning with a dead kitten in my bed. Talk about traumatic.

I gave 60 days notice to my apartment that I'd be leaving at the end of August when my lease was up. I had about 26 days left when the person i was moving in with decided we shouldn't live together. Just like that, I was scrambling to avoid homelessness. When I did find a place to go temporarily, I'm not allowed to have pets. So now I'm scrambling to find Phoebe a place to stay until I can find a place for both of us.

Had a big fight with my producer. To this point, we'd had only one intense conversation, that was more a misunderstanding than an argument. But it had shaken my faith in him. So this one, our first real, ugly, fight, was pretty rough. I had requested in the midst of the chaos in the preceding paragraphs that we wait on recording anything more and focus instead on writing until my life calms down a bit, hopefully mid-September. A couple weeks ago, he said something that raised some red flags with me about the fate of the project, so I confronted him about it. And not really in a great way. The dynamic that makes trouble is the fact that both he and his wife are two of my favorite people on earth. They know what my life looks right now. So he's refusing to work with me until he's satisfied that I can afford it. Though I appreciate the gesture, there's a lot more at stake in this than money. And we definitely disagree on the point where those factors outweigh each other. I am very much of the opinion that I'm the one who gets to decide where I want to spend my money. If I say I can do it, I can do it. It's my choice. In the spirit of protecting me, he vhemently disagreed. It got ugly.

By this point, I'm a mess. Complete. Mess.

But.

The other people in the house I've ended up in are really nice. If I could have pets, it would be a much more permanent place.

I have been surrounded by a group of incredible friends who have come together to help me. These are some of the best people I've ever known. The way they've rallied around me, even when I'm down so deep that I don't know what I'm doing or saying. They're awesome. I seriously have the best friends ever.

Ended up having a good talk with my producer where we agreed that we will finish the project at some point, somehow. And the details of that don't need to be discussed until we get there.

Found a job. I'm never too excited about cubicle land, but they pay me money.

God still loves me, even when I doubt it. Even when it doesn't feel like it at all. We had this incredible sermon from Revelation about how God feels about His people; how He takes us from being Babylon to being His bride. At the end, Derek Webb sang his amazing song "Wedding Dress." It's always been a favorite of mine, but that night it hit me hard again. The bridge says "money cannot buy / a husband's jealous eye / when you have knowingly deceived his wife." And I saw that everything I feel like I've lost, from my job to my record to my cat, and everything in between, was a deception. The lie is that they matter. That I should seek after them, that they can make me happy. The truth is that they're really just distractions. Jesus is the one I need. For now, I understand that. The cost to buy me back was indeed high.

I'm going to start a project. Every day, I'm going to take a picture of some part of my life and post it here. It's inspired by a friend of mine who has been doing it for about 50 days now, and I love getting little daily glimpses of her life. And inspired by another friend who has encouraged to notice the little things. So, here's today's.




One: "Immanuel's Veins"
This is a copy of Ted Dekker's latest masterpiece. In a trilogy of trilogies, it is the beginning of the end. The best part? It doesn't actually release for another 5 days. Amazon shipped it to me early for some reason. Maybe just so i can enjoy knowing the masterpiece before everyone else.

Reflection

i'm totally breaking my "no blogging after 10:00" rule, but i think this is a moment i'll want to remember. tonight i played a gig where, for the first time, i did an actual set. as in, more than 2 songs. AND it was the first time i've ever played with more than one person accompanying me. a pretty big night. my first reaction? i have the best friends. ever! the guys that played with me are amazing and made my music come alive in ways it never would have without them. on top of that, i have fantastic friends who came to watch in a non-air-conditioned venue. and if you've never spent a summer in the south, believe me when i say, it's stinkin hot. i can't begin to describe what it does for my heart to know i have so many people in my life that would come to support me.

as for the performance itself: there were no monitors. it has been an unfortunately long time since i've had the pleasure of singing without monitors, so it was pretty difficult to adjust to. i could hear myself bouncing off the back wall a few milliseconds after the words actually came out of my mouth, so there was this weird latency that caused me to drag the first couple songs...FAIL. but, between songs, i conveyed this to my keyboard player and asked if he could go ahead and drive the tempo for me. and of course he does an excellent job of it from then on. because i have amazing friends like that. unfortunately, it took me until the last couple songs to really start to relax. i finally accepted the fact that i couldn't hear myself, and thus had very little control over my voice past my instincts. so i decided to stop trying to hear and just sing. i still have no idea what it actually sounded like, but i'm sure it probably helped. i can't tell you how many times in the studio my producer has told me to stop trying. so i hope it came off okay. if it didn't....i couldn't hear myself. :) live and learn. it was such a blast!

Over It

What a week. I went to the Dove Awards for the first time this week. It was my first time at the Opry House, too, so it was pretty amazing. It’s probably a good thing I was way in the back, because I was kind of dorking out. I can’t watch people like Toby Mac and sit still. I’m sorry, it’s just impossible. I hadn’t even really planned on going until that morning I went online to look at ticket prices and realized I have my tax refund money, so I could afford it. On a (rather expensive) whim, I bought a ticket, left work early, and got myself prettied up.

It was a really emotional experience for me. It never, not even for a minute, felt like I was sitting in the room with a bunch of “celebrities” or “stars.” Didn’t even cross my mind. It felt like family. It felt like coming home. Like finally being in the right place. But still, somehow, just on the edge of things. Looking through the glass but not quite able to slip through and truly be a part of it. It was agonizingly wonderful. To be in a room with so many people I want to work with and learn from was really amazing.

For all you artists out there, have you ever had that feeling at a show, like the music is calling you? There’s just something about it that draws my heart into it and brings out a longing like none other I have. The longing to do the one thing I was made to do. I’m at such a unique place right now and I’m trying to savor it. I haven’t had time to become jaded or cynical yet, so I’m still very much enjoying every second I spend making music. At the same time, I feel desperately inadequate. Last night I worked on a project with some friends, including two really amazing artists that are both at a place where they don’t need a “day job,” so to speak. On the way home, I was praying about how inadequate I felt with these two friends, and then a phrase jumped into my brain.

Get over it.

Not in a gruff way, but in a gentle, loving way. I needed to get over myself, but not because of my abilities, but the lack thereof. It was like God said “this is what I made you to do, so forget comparing yourself with them. If you were not weak, the world would not see my strength and my great affection for you. It’s not a competition. It’s a love song.”

I’ve been mulling it over for a few days now, and I know it’s true. I have to own this. We are all broken, messed up sinners. Every one of us, no matter how many records we sell. We are all on even footing, even if it seems some are ahead. I have to be okay putting myself on the same playing field as these musicians I so admire, not for my own sake, but for the sake of God’s glory shining through me. It’s what I was made for, and for that reason alone I am on even footing with every other heart out there chasing a dream. It’s definitely an idea that will take some getting used to, but it’s the next hurdle to jump.

Good Life

It’s been a pretty incredible month, friends. I’m still astonished at the u-turn my life seems to have made. Mid-february I got a job underwriting for an insurance company, which is SO much better than what I was doing before. Not what I want to do forever, but as cubicle-land goes, pretty great. I get to wear what I want, my bosses are crazy (but fun crazy), and my hours are flexible. All in all, not a bad deal.

And then there’s the big news: I’m making a record. Yes, you read that right. Don’t get too excited, it’s just an indie release, it’s not with a label or anything. A few weeks ago I was talking at a party with a friend and her husband. He does the engineering/producing side of things, and he asked if he could hear some of my stuff. I agreed, with a very “ok, whatever…” kind of attitude. I had no expectations of it at all when I sent him a couple songs. So needless to say, I was astonished when he wrote me back and said “so when are we making the record?” I said now is good, still thinking he probably didn’t really mean it. But I was wrong. We set up a time to meet and were launched into pre-production before I even realized it was happening. Now we’re a couple songs in, trying to find some time to record bass and drums. All of the sudden there are multiple people interested in, and actually excited about my music. I can’t even explain how good it feels to see someone else excited over this thing that’s so much the heart of who I am.

Now that we’re a few sessions in, I’m starting to realize just how good I’ve got it. Little did I know in that first conversation, my engineer/producer is brilliant. I mean, seriously brilliant. And I have some amazingly talented friends who have agreed to lend their gifts to this project. I am so humbled by the way God has chosen to bless me in this whole thing. I already have more than I ever knew to ask for.

At our last session I recorded my first set of vocals for the album. If you know me, you know that I’ve always been super conscious of what people think, especially when it comes to my voice. I lacked confidence, and it definitely showed. So of course it happened that way of the first couple takes, and I was pretty frustrated with myself. And then something happened that has forever changed me. I have to warn you though, it’s cheesy. In my defense, it’s not like I thought of it. It just popped into my head. So no laughing.

We’re getting ready to start the third take, and I’ve got my eyes closed, trying to focus and get in the zone. From out of nowhere, I get this picture in my head: it’s Jesus, sitting in front of me in a metal folding chair. He’s wearing the biggest grin I’ve ever seen. He has unmatched excitement and anticipation in his face, saying “This is it! This is what I made you for! You’re doing it!!” It is impossible to describe the feeling of really seeing Him as my biggest fan. So I focused on that picture and started to sing. And everything was different. My voice opened and started making the sounds I’ve tried for years to make. The anxiety was gone, even knowing there were several crazy talented people in the next room listening to me. For the first time, I owned this. Even living here, it’s always felt like something abstract and far away, and I never really believed I would get to do it. But that all changed that day. I’m really doing this. And I’m made for it.

I warned you it was cheesy. But so unbelievably, life-changingly amazing. My voice is still responding like it never has before, and the nervousness is gone. I don’t have to be afraid; I don’t have to care what other people think. I’m not doing it for them. I’m doing this because I was made to, and I’ve gotten a tiny glimpse of the joy of my Father’s heart in fulfilling His purpose for me. I can’t say that I will always sound this way or be this confident; I probably won’t. there will be times when I doubt. And maybe this whole record will turn out to be nothing but a great experience. But somehow, someway, this is what I’m for. I will sing and make music, for the Lord is good.

Bottle it Up

it's been a while, hasn't it? sorry about that. life has gotten busy, and i have a strict "no blogging after 10 pm" rule. besides that, well...it's been rough. don't get me wrong, nashville is amazing. i love it here and know without a doubt that i'm home where i belong. i'm just dealing with a lot.

before i left nebraska, more than a year ago now, something happened to me that broke my heart in ways i never knew were possible. i fought to make things right with everything i had, but in the end, nothing could save me from suffering a great loss. it happened at a time when i felt very much alone, and the pain was too great to bear alone. so i pushed it back into a corner of my broken heart and roped that place off indefinitely.

for the most part, i've succeeded in keeping the whole mess at bay. not wanting to be labeled a "drama queen," i began to learn to ignore what i felt and just keep moving, keep pushing to the next day. and that worked okay, for a while. until i got here.

here, i'm surrounded by family like i've never known. God has been so faithful to place some really amazing people in my life, people who are committed to community, bearing one another's sorrows and celebrating each others' joys. these people are the real deal. at the same time that i'm finding myself among these friends, God is opening my mind to the idea that this life He's given me, the working out of my salvation, only happens in community. if i am going to grow and support others in their growth, we must let each other in. there is no other way.

and so, this community came knocking on my heart. trouble was, they came straight to the room i'd roped off and tried to forget, because within that room lies my ability to trust. so i've stumbled around these last few weeks, pushing barriers back here and there, trying to find what it looks like now to open my heart. it quickly became apparent that i cannot trust without cleaning out that room first. so i took a deep breath and dove in.

what i found should not have surprised me, but it knocked me off my feet just the same. at first i couldn't even find the way in, i'd been avoiding it for so long. but when i did, the waves of pain that greeted me were as fresh as if it had happened yesterday. ironically, it was another painful loss here in the present that finally allowed me access to all the pain i've been holding in. it all merged together and has been threatening to undo me for days now. i can't explain to you everything that's broken. there is no way to make myself understood, give you a sense of where i am.

and then i read these words. "You feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it all." the words are spoken to harry potter when he has lost the person he cared most about in the world. somehow, that sentence made my world make a bit of sense. that's exactly how i feel. like i'm bleeding from gaping wounds; slowly, painfully bleeding out at an excruciatingly slow pace so that i feel every drop leave my system. that's where my heart is right now.

yet, there is hope. it is true that i must allow my heart to feel the pain before i can begin to heal it. i have to acknowledge it and address it, which is one of the most daunting tasks i've ever faced. fortunately, miraculously, i don't have to walk through it alone. God has provided all of you. i have a real support system for the first time in my life. it remains difficult because in order to regain the ability to trust, i must allow you to come alongside me. i have to let you in to this broken, blackened part of my heart, and let you love me. there will surely be some dark, difficult days on this path back from brokenness. but, more words were uttered to harry. "The fact that you can feel pain like this is your greatest strength." great pain only comes from the loss of great love. the greater the love, the bigger the void it leaves. i feel much pain because i love much, and that i will not trade.

so, my friends, that is where my heart lies at the moment. thank you all for taking the journey with me, for holding me up in this time when i don't have the strength to do it alone. may we continue to regard one another with the unending grace and love that flows from the throne of Christ.