Faith My Eyes

God is calling me back to Himself. it's a strange journey we've been on, my Savior and me. He was silent for so long i thought He'd gone, and now His hand seems to be around every corner. is it simply because i'm finally actively seeking the road He's made for me? i've suspended reality enough to try to follow the very unrealistic direction He's called me, and it seems in this place where dreams might come true that He's everywhere. He's put some great people in my life that can't be there by chance. He speaks in the voice of friends new and old, helping me catch those all-important nuggets i might miss on my own.

and now, just when i'd found yet another place where i don't trust Him, He's offered a hand even before i asked. historically, the job search hasn't been a place where God's seemed to come through for me. no matter how much i prayed, sent resumes and applications, went to interviews, it made no difference. He simply refused to give me a job. subsequently, i stopped trusting that it was in His hands. the only real steady employment i've had was bad enough to give me ulcers and make me stop sleeping. so somewhere along the way, i gave up on Him coming through and took the burden back on my shoulders. it's been all up to me to figure it out.

this week, i found myself in a place once again where i had to confront my fear of the job hunt. i'll be done with my training probably in the next 4-6 weeks, and then there will be nothing left to hide behind. i'll have to get out there and bust it until i find someone who wants to pay money for my particular skill set. and when i realized that, it scared me to death. at least now i can tell myself that it's okay not to get any of the jobs i've sought because it gives me time to finish my course. but those days will soon be over and i'll have to make my own way. i have no choice but to trust God, because i believe he's ultimately in control. i'm forced to trust Him in this arena where i feel He's ignored me. needless to say, i don't have warm fuzzy feelings about this.

as i was struggling with this issue, before i'd had much time to really deal with it, i got a phone call. a month or two ago i applied for a secretarial position with the university psychology department. i'd even forgotten i'd applied until they called. i have an interview on friday morning at 10:30. when i put the phone down, i was in shock. here was God, the great God of the universe, Creator and Maker of everything and everyone I see, and so much more that i can't, reaching down to me. offering His hand first. He'd heard my cry, felt my hesitation, known my fears, and responded. in a strange way, i have a good feeling about this interview. i think it has a lot of potential to be a position where i might have down time to work on my class or write or any of the other million things i need to do. i'm strangely secure in the fact that God will carry me through it. if this is the job He's held for me, waiting until the moment when i needed Him the most, then He'll work in the hearts of those making the decision and grant me the position. and even if He doesn't, i trust Him so much more than i did just days ago. He's already come through for me so that i know i can depend on Him. He will not leave me stranded here. He will not place a dream in me and not make a way for me to capture it. they're so far off, and yet i feel as though, for the first time, my dreams are really within my reach. i can do this. this is what God made me for and what He wants from me; and as long as i faithfully seek after what He's given me, He'll make the road i'm looking for. i can put my faith in Him again, in this place where i couldn't for so long. the strength of my God is great.

For the Moments I Feel Faint

So today I'm just sitting, mulling over everything that's happening to me. Even though nothing's really happened yet, it already feels surreal. I want someone to share it with, to get excited with. But I don't have that right now. A bittersweet moment in this rush of events.

I suppose a lot of my excitements rides on hope. Which, in itself, is a miracle. Less than a month ago I had no hope at all. And now I live on it. I breathe it in and out, each day, each moment. I don't think there's ever been a time where I've so clearly followed God's direction. And He's been so good to give me that extra encouragement, that confirmation, in the moments I feel faint. It still seems strange to me that God's will and my desires should line up. Somewhere along the way, He became someone who didn't care about my happiness, who just wanted His own way. Or so I thought. But now, it feels like He's desperately sharing His heart for me, leading me down this path that I still can't believe I'm on. Like He wants to capture my heart again, to pull me back to everything I've been missing for so long.

And I have to ask myself, will I still feel this way in a week or two? a month or two? I want to be content and steadfast for longer than that, but so often it seems my fears and my doubts get the best of me. It's easy to doubt that my dreams are wrong. But I'm starting to learn that God created my dreams, too. They're not just from me. He made me for a purpose, for a calling, for the one thing that makes my heart full, that makes my joy in life complete.

I guess I'd better get on to what's actually happening, hadn't I? I guess in a way, I'm waiting to hear back from Derek Webb. That alone is so surreal. In real life, I know Derek's brother, who, for obvious reasons, has contacts out in Nashville, that promised land to which I look. I've been writing non-stop lately, and I felt God asking me to try to sell something I've written. Now, don't misunderstand me, in no way do I actually believe anything I currently have could really be good enough to be worth something to someone other than me. But in the interest of being obedient, I'm suspending that reality until further notice. Anyway, I digress... Not knowing anyone out in Nashville, having no idea where to start, I contacted Brandon Webb and asked if he had any pointers or ideas, or maybe could connect me with someone who does. After about a week I hadn't had any response to the email I'd sent him, I was seriously doubting. Nothing was happening and I had no place else to go. So I prayed that night for some sort of confirmation, that God would just let me know that I'm going His direction with this whole thing, because if it's not His, I may as well bail on it now. Lo and behold, I wake up the next morning with a response in my inbox, saying he contacted Derek and is waiting for a response. It was like God just said "Don't worry." That was about a week ago, so I'm getting a little anxious for a response again.

In the meantime, I was given another contact in the community who has experience writing out in Nashville. It was so out of the blue, a friend just mentioned her name, told me how to contact her, and I did. We're meeting next week to chat about things. It may not sound like much, but I'm so excited! I have hope that she'll turn out to be a friend, a mentor, an aid in this whole process. It seems she still goes to Nashville fairly regularly, so hope wonders if maybe I could tag along next time. Maybe I'll get to go out before June. Maybe she'll have these great contacts, people she can introduce me too. Maybe she'll even be someone I can write with. It's like one big unknown that could turn into so much. I don't want to think about where I'll be if it's a dud. What if she doesn't like me? I can't rest on that thought right now. I need the hope. Hope that God is leading me down the greatest adventure of my life, the adventure He created me for. The one He placed in my heart before I was born. Who knows, maybe this is it. I'll keep you posted.

Don't Get Comfortable

i find myself wondering tonight if dreams really can come true. for as long as i can remember, i've loved to sing and write. somewhere around junior high i started writing my own songs. (lyrics mostly. i usually have a melody to go along, but i have a hard time finding just the right chord progression.) and until recently, i always thought it was just a dream. see, i come from a family of musicians who have never followed their dreams. they're all talented, my family, but none of them have ever chased the dream. am i the one to change that?

here's the thing: i really believe God is calling me to Nashville. from where i stand at the moment, i have no idea how that will happen. i can't afford to move, and i'm not sure how i ever will. it looks impossible. and yet, i can't let it go. i feel the pull now more than ever before. that's the world i was made for. don't get me wrong, it's not like i have these big expectations of "making it" when i get out there. i may not be spectacular, but i just might be decent. the past month or so i can't seem to stop writing. God wouldn't put this in me if He didn't intend to fulfill it, right? not like this, not this way, with everything that i am. nothing else speaks to me like writing music. it's where my passion is. beyond that, i have no idea what i should do. nothing gets me excited; i don't truly enjoy anything else the way i do when i write.

but what if I'm wrong? what if i've misread all the signs and this isn't what God intends for me at all? but even as i write that, it doesn't feel true. i can't convince the deepest parts of me that there's anything else out there for me like music. i can't get myself to settle. something ingrained in me says i have to chase this. and i've finally really committed to doing it. as soon as it's possible, i'm getting myself to Nashville for good. and yet....it seems hopeless. just as i truly come to terms with leaving everything i've ever known, i also see the reality that there might not be a way to be anywhere but here.

God wants us to live life abundantly. He wants us to overflow with who He made us to be. and more than anything, i know that i was made for music. but does it follow that He would make a way for me to get out there? would He really help me chase this? my finite mind can't put together a God who would create such a passion in me for music, for only music, and never see it fulfilled.

so why am i still so afraid that i'm wrong? i feel a bit like i'm walking down the yellow brick road with dorothy and the tin man, on the journey toward something huge, Someone who could help with my biggest desire. and not sure that He'll help me. dorothy was lucky. she had those ruby slippers that granted her wish. guess i'll have to wait and see if i've got a pair.