Hope Now

so here i am, less than 6 weeks away from my trip to my future. It occured to me that nowhere in this blog did i actually say that i got the opportunity to hand a copy of my demo to brandon heath, an artist that i really respect. he game me his email adress so we could try to keep in touch and maybe hang out when i'm in nashville. right now, i'm just waiting to give him some to listen to the demo, and hoping he'll get back to me without losing it or forgetting it or something like that. so of course, every day seems like it takes forever. i'm dying to write him, to see if he likes the songs. to see if he'll let me shadow him while i'm down there. and if i can do that, then maybe, if i'm really lucky, i might have more than one friend there when i go to move.

so here's the catch: i'm completely broke. i still need upwards of $350 to rent a car there so that i can hand out my resume in every place i can find. let alone the money to move. and yet, i know this is God's call for me. every day that goes by just affirms it. i know that my path leads to nashville. i just don't know how or when. with the people God's placed in my life at this point, it really seems iminent. the ball is definitely off and rolling now. and i've sold out to it. i know that, no matter how the next stage of my life happens, God made me for music, and i'm done running from it.

there's this crazy dichotomy between being sold out to this path, and the fact that there's no funding for it. my world quite literally rests in the balance of hope alone. for maybe the first time ever, i really trust God. i know that He is good, and that He is good to me. there are, of course, natural fears about moving. but i trust Him for this. i think. it's almost like i have no choice but to trust Him at this point. i'm past the point of return on this one, so if it falls, it's gonna be messy. so i choose to keep believing that God will make a way for it. if i don't follow Him, i have no hope at all.

I'm About to Come Alive

Today's just been a weird day. at the risk of sounding like a crazy person, i have to say, i've had the strangest feeling all day. do you ever get that, when it's like your stomach's tied up in knots and you don't really know why? well, i do. i spent today somewhere between fearfully nervous and uncertain anticipation. even now, while i'm trying to settle down for the night, i can't shake it. i don't know for sure, but i have the impression that it's something to do with my future, which path will be opened for me. it feels like maybe i'm on the brink of something big. like maybe the life i've always wanted is about to be mine. but there's a certain uncertainty about it. like a dream shrouded in mist and mystery. so i've spent the better part of the day in prayer for the major players in this situation, asking for God's will to be done. i'm not even sure what i should pray for. i hope that someday soon i'll understand what this is all about. but for now, my friends, i'll try to see if this notion will let me sleep.

Start Over Again

it's finally Easter again! for me, it's the best day of the whole year. the resurrection of Jesus is the best thing that ever happened for all of us, whether you admit it or not. it is the single greatest act of love that has ever been given; it gave us access to the very throne of heaven. imagine!! this is the day when the Creator of everything we can see and so much that we can't stepped out and claimed me, once and for all. His heart beat for me that day. He gave Himself up for me. what then can i offer in return but all i have?

a pastor once told me that he used Easter as his new year, and it's stuck with me. there's nothing too special about january 1. sure, we hang a new calendar and write a different date on our checks, but is that really significant? not for me. Easter, on the other hand, is the day that everything became new again. this is the day where our slates are wiped clean, the origin of everything in my life that's good.

so as i stand here today, looking back over the last year, i see how far God has taken me. it's been a rough year, to say the least. but now i can see pieces of why some things happened the way they did. i needed to break. so He broke me, pretty completely. but in that brokenness came such a beautiful surrender! i wish there were words for me to explain it to you. i've finally surrendered myself to what He made me to be. i found myself, who i really am, in Him. right there, where i thought i'd looked a million times. i'd always grazed right over it before. but this year, He showed me, put me in a situation where i HAD to see it. and now i have this incredible, indescribable freedom in this surrender.

don't get me wrong, i'm definitely still a work in progress. just how this surrender is going to play out is still very much up in the air, and some days it's all i can do to hold on to that faith that He's still in control. but if you had told me last year that this is where i would be today, that the things that have happened in my life would be happening, i'm pretty sure i wouldn't have believed you. but i think i'm happy here. as scary, confusing, exhilerating, and transient as my current situation is, i know it's in line with who God made me to be, and i wouldn't trade it for anything. it took a lot, but i made definite progress this year. because of God's relentless pursuit of me (me!), i have grown. how thankful i am for His love!