tonight is probably one of those nights where it might be smarter for me not to write at all. i want this page to be about things i'm learning, steps i'm taking. and tonight i'm just kind of moody. but, since i'm pretty sure no one's reading this anyway (except maybe my sister-in-law...), i figured what the heck. why not put my crazy emotional self out there on the internet for anyone to see? maybe there IS someone reading. maybe you'll see a piece of me you didn't know was in there somewhere. maybe you'll come to understand me a little more, or maybe say a prayer for me.
you know how sometimes, after you've been through something that shook your whole world, you think you've worked through it and you're past it, and then out of nowhere, you hear someone say a certain phrase or a particular song plays, and you're right back where you thought you wouldn't be anymore? if that made any sense to you, that's where i am tonight. there's a particular relationship in my life that has always been tumultuous, but i thought maybe this time it would stick. and maybe it still will, i don't know. but tonight i'm feeling like i'm right back in that place i've been too many times, watching someone i care about slip away, knowing there's nothing i can do. maybe i should know better by now. but it still hurts all the same. still leaves me broken, empty, alone.
add to that the fact that today i recorded my first set of vocals for a song i wrote, and it really stinks. i have an extremely low budget, so my equipment isn't great (understatement...), but i really thought it would sound better than it does. and so i have to wonder, is it just me? do i really just suck that much? and if that's the case, then why is God calling me the direction He's calling me? i feel extremely untalented and undeserving to sing anywhere that people might hear me. i feel like a sham. and yet, i don't know who i am without music.
i wish that i had someone to come alongside me and tell me that it doesn't suck as much as i think it does. i wish i had someone to talk to about my hopes and dreams, someone who would support me and stand with me when it gets hard like this. i don't believe in myself much tonight. and it's in these moments of uncertainty, when i'm not sure i'm worth much at all, that i am most painfully alone. i realize this post is kind of one giant downer, but at least i'm being honest. right now, this is a part of who i am. i wish it wasn't, believe me. but it's just a fact. being alone sucks. here's hoping you never find yourself in my shoes.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
Help Me Believe
We find ourselves on the edge of the Lenten season again. Being from a more evangelical background, I've never observed Lent. neither has the church i'm currently going to. until now. we're not observing it in the traditional sense, where i would give up chocolate or Pepsi (sweet nectar of life...) or some other thing i would miss terribly. my pastor wants us all to think of something we can add in the next 46 days that we can do every day to enhance our relationship with God, or to find a barrier that we can subtract from our lives to bring us closer to Christ. We all write them down on pieces of paper and tack them to a cross set up in the church. it's a really personal thing, not necessarily meant to be shared with others. but you won't tell, will you?
from the moment the pastor introduced the idea, i knew what i needed to give up. it's been hindering me for a while now. a constant struggle sometimes, dragging me down. you see, i have this constant fear in the back of my mind that God will, in fact, forsake me. He'll lead me on and make me think i'm on the right path, and then just drop me; i'll watch all the doors shut and find myself lost in the middle of something i never expected, with no idea where to go. even though my theology disagrees, the fear is still real. i don't trust God to see me through. maybe because i've spent years feeling like i'm going nowhere, like i'm just lost and He's not helping at all.
but then again, it's only been in the past few months that i've really committed to following His will for me. i'm in it now, come what may. i know where He wants me to go, and i'm trying to do what i can to get there, one step at a time. and in return, He's started to open up some doors. maybe. contacts that may or may not lead to something. i'm really still waiting to see real opportunities, something that will help me move to Nashville, or at least be more involved in the music scene. so far, i might know some people who could help with that, but then again, they may not be able to help where the rubber meets the road. it's all still so up in the air.
in the midst of this uncertainty, i've asked God for something big. some affirmation that He's not going to let me fall. i won't tell you exactly what i've asked for (you might make fun of me...), but it's pretty far out there, definitely exceeding the boundaries of "reality." but, in the spirit of giving God the opportunity to work in a way i wouldn't normally expect, i did what i could and put some feelers out. and that's not to say that i expect God to do this; i certainly don't. it's definitely beyond what i could dream or imagaine....though i suppose that's His specialty, isn't it? if He chooses to grant my request, it's not like i think i'll never doubt again. fear will still try to creep it's ugly head in. but it'll at least give me something big and specific that i can point back to and tell myself that He's there for me. so if you're reading this, pray with me, will you? i can't cast out this fear by myself. i need Him to help me believe.
from the moment the pastor introduced the idea, i knew what i needed to give up. it's been hindering me for a while now. a constant struggle sometimes, dragging me down. you see, i have this constant fear in the back of my mind that God will, in fact, forsake me. He'll lead me on and make me think i'm on the right path, and then just drop me; i'll watch all the doors shut and find myself lost in the middle of something i never expected, with no idea where to go. even though my theology disagrees, the fear is still real. i don't trust God to see me through. maybe because i've spent years feeling like i'm going nowhere, like i'm just lost and He's not helping at all.
but then again, it's only been in the past few months that i've really committed to following His will for me. i'm in it now, come what may. i know where He wants me to go, and i'm trying to do what i can to get there, one step at a time. and in return, He's started to open up some doors. maybe. contacts that may or may not lead to something. i'm really still waiting to see real opportunities, something that will help me move to Nashville, or at least be more involved in the music scene. so far, i might know some people who could help with that, but then again, they may not be able to help where the rubber meets the road. it's all still so up in the air.
in the midst of this uncertainty, i've asked God for something big. some affirmation that He's not going to let me fall. i won't tell you exactly what i've asked for (you might make fun of me...), but it's pretty far out there, definitely exceeding the boundaries of "reality." but, in the spirit of giving God the opportunity to work in a way i wouldn't normally expect, i did what i could and put some feelers out. and that's not to say that i expect God to do this; i certainly don't. it's definitely beyond what i could dream or imagaine....though i suppose that's His specialty, isn't it? if He chooses to grant my request, it's not like i think i'll never doubt again. fear will still try to creep it's ugly head in. but it'll at least give me something big and specific that i can point back to and tell myself that He's there for me. so if you're reading this, pray with me, will you? i can't cast out this fear by myself. i need Him to help me believe.
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