It's not often that I find myself without the words to describe my current state. tonight, though, i know i'll never be able to explain to you everything that's going on inside. but i'm coming off a weekend that was very blog-worthy, and i feel i need to give it a shot. maybe you'll get a glimpse of me somewhere.
i spent the past few days spending time with some good friends. friends that i have no idea when i'll get the chance to see them again. it was a really great weekend. definitely in the top 10. and now i'm left with the dichotomous reaction of being happy to have spent time with people i love at such an exciting place in my life, and feeling pieces of my heart breaking for the time and distance to come.
in a weird way, being with these friends reaffirmed how strong and certain i am of my decision to search out nashville, to go find what i'm made for. these are some of my best friends, my biggest fans, and my most honest critics. they have rejoiced with me in this coming journey. it was so great to see them, and i'm still in some ways riding the high of that joy.
at the same time, my heart is breaking. i'm about to go in a direction that will be so different from what my life has been up to now. i have no idea what to expect. and certainly no idea what my schedule will be like; when i'll have time to keep in touch, let alone see old friends. my next move will undoubtedly impact every relationship in my life.
but i will fight to hold on. it's important to me to make time for keeping up with the people i care about. i do a poor job of it sometimes, but i promise to give it my best. so, my friends, thanks for this last weekend of memories. i refuse to say goodbye. you'll always be with me.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Brave
I feel like i should apologize to all of you. lately, i've been journaling the old-fashioned way, putting pen to paper and spending some time with my God and my thoughts out in the beautiful weather we've had lately. but never fear, i won't leave you for to long. i've got too many thoughts to sort through these days.
last week, i had 4 weeks before this journey takes off. i don't know how, but somewhere between there and here, just over 3 weeks out, i must have missed a few days, because it certainly seems so much closer now. in less than a month, i'll be out in nashville, spreading my resume like wildfire and trying to follow whatever this path is that God has for me. and while i'm so excited to go, it's setting in a little that i'll be really far from my family. and that's going to be harder than i realize, i'm sure. it's hard to think of only seeing my parents once or twice a year. i'll really be all alone in a bigger city than i've ever lived in. and i'm praying that God will put people in my path quickly to let me form some fast relationships. but it's one of those things that just takes time.
i'm not even sure i can put words on this feeling i have right now. it's a mix of so many things. and i still have 3 more weeks to add to these nerves! i'm knocking on the door of impossible things, of dreams and callings, of uncertain, incredible fulfillment. if i sound like a broken record over the next weeks, forgive me. i'm pretty stuck in this cycle of thoughts were i continuously have to stop myself from stressing, and remember that God has called me out there. He will make a way for me to go where i need to go. and once i'm out there, He still won't leave me. the only reason i can show any bravery in the face of this anxiety is because i know that God is carrying me. i mean enough to Him that He would care for me and know all of my days, but not enough that my shortcomings could sabotage His plans.
if you're reading this, i'd really appreciate prayers at this point. if you could, pray that God leads me clearly and opens just the right doors for me to follow Him. also, brandon heath has my demo, and the tour he was on had its last stop yesterday. i'm hoping to hear back from him this week, so if you could all pray for that connection to be made, that would be great. i'll keep you posted.
last week, i had 4 weeks before this journey takes off. i don't know how, but somewhere between there and here, just over 3 weeks out, i must have missed a few days, because it certainly seems so much closer now. in less than a month, i'll be out in nashville, spreading my resume like wildfire and trying to follow whatever this path is that God has for me. and while i'm so excited to go, it's setting in a little that i'll be really far from my family. and that's going to be harder than i realize, i'm sure. it's hard to think of only seeing my parents once or twice a year. i'll really be all alone in a bigger city than i've ever lived in. and i'm praying that God will put people in my path quickly to let me form some fast relationships. but it's one of those things that just takes time.
i'm not even sure i can put words on this feeling i have right now. it's a mix of so many things. and i still have 3 more weeks to add to these nerves! i'm knocking on the door of impossible things, of dreams and callings, of uncertain, incredible fulfillment. if i sound like a broken record over the next weeks, forgive me. i'm pretty stuck in this cycle of thoughts were i continuously have to stop myself from stressing, and remember that God has called me out there. He will make a way for me to go where i need to go. and once i'm out there, He still won't leave me. the only reason i can show any bravery in the face of this anxiety is because i know that God is carrying me. i mean enough to Him that He would care for me and know all of my days, but not enough that my shortcomings could sabotage His plans.
if you're reading this, i'd really appreciate prayers at this point. if you could, pray that God leads me clearly and opens just the right doors for me to follow Him. also, brandon heath has my demo, and the tour he was on had its last stop yesterday. i'm hoping to hear back from him this week, so if you could all pray for that connection to be made, that would be great. i'll keep you posted.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
The Difference
It's taken me a few days to process things before I could actually write this. On the one hand, the events of this past Friday were so personal, so intimate between myself and this God that I serve, that I love. But at the same time, what He's done is so amazing that I want to shout and tell the whole world that, at least for now, I'm confident that He loves me. Me! It's still so astonishing to me that He would set my dreams into motion like this.
I better back up a bit.
Friday was the first time that I've played anything I've written for a live audience. I expected to be super nervous, like I always do. I'll let you in on a secret: despite how much I love the stage, I get terrible stage fright every time I sing on my own. At least, I had gotten it every time. Until this time. I still can't really believe it myself. I wasn't really nervous at all. I should have been! I ended up not even doing my third song because the keyboard was tiny and it threw me off to be playing in a different octave than I had practiced. But it didn't make a difference. And I probably could chalk it up to the relaxed atmosphere, there was really no pressure. Except that my parents and a bunch of friends were there to watch, which is usually more stressful on me than playing for strangers. But it just didn't happen. In addition to it being my first appearance of my original songs, it's the first time I've sung on my own since really committing this music thing to God, since I really started to follow Him in that direction. And I definitely believe that it was His hand that kept my anxiety at bay. That part of me that knows now that I was born for this is apparently stronger than I realized. I sing because God wants me to. And now, in return, He's given me the calmness and the strength and the talent that I need to do it. Don't get me wrong, I'm still all about practicing as much as I can, doing my part to do my best. But I sang on Friday like I've never sung before. It didn't matter who was watching. God just touched me and gave me what I needed to follow Him. He helped me cast my inhibitions aside and just be who I'm supposed to be. It was the most amazing feeling. I can't wait to see what's next.
I better back up a bit.
Friday was the first time that I've played anything I've written for a live audience. I expected to be super nervous, like I always do. I'll let you in on a secret: despite how much I love the stage, I get terrible stage fright every time I sing on my own. At least, I had gotten it every time. Until this time. I still can't really believe it myself. I wasn't really nervous at all. I should have been! I ended up not even doing my third song because the keyboard was tiny and it threw me off to be playing in a different octave than I had practiced. But it didn't make a difference. And I probably could chalk it up to the relaxed atmosphere, there was really no pressure. Except that my parents and a bunch of friends were there to watch, which is usually more stressful on me than playing for strangers. But it just didn't happen. In addition to it being my first appearance of my original songs, it's the first time I've sung on my own since really committing this music thing to God, since I really started to follow Him in that direction. And I definitely believe that it was His hand that kept my anxiety at bay. That part of me that knows now that I was born for this is apparently stronger than I realized. I sing because God wants me to. And now, in return, He's given me the calmness and the strength and the talent that I need to do it. Don't get me wrong, I'm still all about practicing as much as I can, doing my part to do my best. But I sang on Friday like I've never sung before. It didn't matter who was watching. God just touched me and gave me what I needed to follow Him. He helped me cast my inhibitions aside and just be who I'm supposed to be. It was the most amazing feeling. I can't wait to see what's next.
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