Gravity

Wow. and i mean, wow, my friends. i'll apologize up front just in case this comes off as a bunch of rambling, because it's very late (or early, depending on how you look at it...), but i've got to get these thoughts and emotions shape and words before they escape me.

the God that i serve is so much bigger than i've ever imagined. i caught a glimpse of Him tonight, and it brought me to my knees. let me start at the beginning.

i got the opportunity tonight to attend a concert featuring casting crowns and matt redman. if you've heard any of their music, you know it was a night of praise and worship. it's the first show i've been to since i moved here, and i was literally almost in tears just walking in. the band was already playing, and it hit me like a wall. that feeling, the energy of the live show. that rush that i can't get enough of, being a part of it like that. now that i've taken a few more steps on the path of my music, moving here and meeting some really great people, it somehow seemed to come alive even more. it solidly confirmed that i'm in the right place here, that this is where God intended my life to go. music is what I was made for, and He will continue to pull me that direction untill His plans for me are fulfilled.

i have a confession to make, friends. the last few years of my life, especially the last 18(ish) months, i have not lived how i should. i didn't respond to God the way He desired. i knew all the "happy, Christian answers," but failed to live them out and hold onto them when the storm hit. granted, it was a far bigger storm than i'd ever faced, but the same truths still applied. but i didn't listen. i didn't trust Him. i doubted His love and His mercy and His grace. and it wasn't one of those things where things only turned around after i learned the lesson He was teaching. i'm not sure i ever really learned it. i'm not sure if i wouuld be strong enough to choose a different path this time, or if i would fall to the same doubts and fears, if i had it to do over. but He rescued me anyway. even though i never saw Him, His mercy was so great that He delivered me even when i doubted His love. once again, He rescued me, despite my own resistence.

He has placed this dream, this music, inside of me, yes. but the real dream isn't to be on stage, to reach people with words and notes that create something breathtaking. the dream is Jesus. i was made to do music, yes. but before that, my primary identity, is that i was made to love Him. to bask in that love, to hold it dear. to thrive in it. and i've struggled with the whole concept of letting Jesus be enough for me. but tonight, He was. He showed me that just loving Him is so much better than any other thing i could seek. He is the prize. He is the best thing. He is my own, my home, and He always will be. and that's all i need. for real.

breathtaking, isn't it?

Blessed

I've been in Nashville for just over a month now. it's been great and terrifying and everything in between. it's a wonderful feeling to be here. every morning i drive to work with tree-covered hills on either side, roads winding through them. it's beautiful. it feels like home here. and i've been blessed with a better roommate than i could ever ask for. but this past weekend, God gave me a glimpse of just how deeply He's blessed me.

last week i started having my first moments of panic. i love everything here, and i'm surrounded by so many great people. but fear and doubt came pounding on the door, and i had to fight to keep them from seeping in around the edges. "what if" started to plague me. what if it all goes away? what if, in a few more weeks, i'm no longer "the new girl," and people don't want to invest in me anymore? what if they're only being nice to me because they feel obligated, and one day soon i'll wake up and find myself half way across the country from my old life, with no place to belong and no real friends to speak of. a frightening possibility. so i prayed and tried to puzzle through it all, tried to push back the fears. considered not getting my hopes up with the friendships i'm forming. after a long weekend, i decided i didn't want to worry about it. even if that's where this road goes, it doesn't end there. i was never meant to stay in nebraska; it had to happen sometime. it's just something i have to go through. there may be some rough times ahead, and there may be days when i wake up feeling alone in the world. but that's not where the road ends.

so i picked myself up, brushed off the worry, and went on my way. sunday night i went to church, and was overwhelmed with God's goodness. not only has He promised that the road doesn't end in lonliness and pain, but His plans may not even contain the very things i fear. i shared a bit about how i'd been feeling with a couple of gals i've been getting to know, and was met with grace and mercy and compassion. each of them expressed sincere care for what's going on in my life, and assured me they would be there when i'm feeling alone or looking for a friend. one even took a few minutes to pray with me over it. i walked away feeling so humbled by how much God loves me. i truly have nothing to fear. He has lead me here and provided for every need i have. he's crafted this path for my life, and will be faithful to see me through it all.

on the way home, brandon heath struck again. as i was marveling in the intimate concern the Creator has in my life, "wait and see" came on the radio. it revels in the promise that there is hope for me and wherever my life is going, because God has promised to see me through it all, and "He's not finished with me yet." it fit so perfectly with what i'd been fearing and feeling all weekend, it humbled me all over again. the Great One, the Soverign Creator of everything, loves me enough to arrange the details of my life, down to the song on the radio, to draw me near to Him. how unworthy i am, a sinner covered in rags and filth. but He chose me, to lift me out of the miry pit and clothe me in the beautiful garments of His mercy, grace, and love.

Not only am i finding myself here, but i'm finding and experiencing these pieces of God's heart that i've never encountered before. it's an intoxicating mixture of humility, freedom, and hope, and i can't wait to see how He reveals Himself next.