Gravity

Wow. and i mean, wow, my friends. i'll apologize up front just in case this comes off as a bunch of rambling, because it's very late (or early, depending on how you look at it...), but i've got to get these thoughts and emotions shape and words before they escape me.

the God that i serve is so much bigger than i've ever imagined. i caught a glimpse of Him tonight, and it brought me to my knees. let me start at the beginning.

i got the opportunity tonight to attend a concert featuring casting crowns and matt redman. if you've heard any of their music, you know it was a night of praise and worship. it's the first show i've been to since i moved here, and i was literally almost in tears just walking in. the band was already playing, and it hit me like a wall. that feeling, the energy of the live show. that rush that i can't get enough of, being a part of it like that. now that i've taken a few more steps on the path of my music, moving here and meeting some really great people, it somehow seemed to come alive even more. it solidly confirmed that i'm in the right place here, that this is where God intended my life to go. music is what I was made for, and He will continue to pull me that direction untill His plans for me are fulfilled.

i have a confession to make, friends. the last few years of my life, especially the last 18(ish) months, i have not lived how i should. i didn't respond to God the way He desired. i knew all the "happy, Christian answers," but failed to live them out and hold onto them when the storm hit. granted, it was a far bigger storm than i'd ever faced, but the same truths still applied. but i didn't listen. i didn't trust Him. i doubted His love and His mercy and His grace. and it wasn't one of those things where things only turned around after i learned the lesson He was teaching. i'm not sure i ever really learned it. i'm not sure if i wouuld be strong enough to choose a different path this time, or if i would fall to the same doubts and fears, if i had it to do over. but He rescued me anyway. even though i never saw Him, His mercy was so great that He delivered me even when i doubted His love. once again, He rescued me, despite my own resistence.

He has placed this dream, this music, inside of me, yes. but the real dream isn't to be on stage, to reach people with words and notes that create something breathtaking. the dream is Jesus. i was made to do music, yes. but before that, my primary identity, is that i was made to love Him. to bask in that love, to hold it dear. to thrive in it. and i've struggled with the whole concept of letting Jesus be enough for me. but tonight, He was. He showed me that just loving Him is so much better than any other thing i could seek. He is the prize. He is the best thing. He is my own, my home, and He always will be. and that's all i need. for real.

breathtaking, isn't it?