We find ourselves on the edge of the Lenten season again. Being from a more evangelical background, I've never observed Lent. neither has the church i'm currently going to. until now. we're not observing it in the traditional sense, where i would give up chocolate or Pepsi (sweet nectar of life...) or some other thing i would miss terribly. my pastor wants us all to think of something we can add in the next 46 days that we can do every day to enhance our relationship with God, or to find a barrier that we can subtract from our lives to bring us closer to Christ. We all write them down on pieces of paper and tack them to a cross set up in the church. it's a really personal thing, not necessarily meant to be shared with others. but you won't tell, will you?
from the moment the pastor introduced the idea, i knew what i needed to give up. it's been hindering me for a while now. a constant struggle sometimes, dragging me down. you see, i have this constant fear in the back of my mind that God will, in fact, forsake me. He'll lead me on and make me think i'm on the right path, and then just drop me; i'll watch all the doors shut and find myself lost in the middle of something i never expected, with no idea where to go. even though my theology disagrees, the fear is still real. i don't trust God to see me through. maybe because i've spent years feeling like i'm going nowhere, like i'm just lost and He's not helping at all.
but then again, it's only been in the past few months that i've really committed to following His will for me. i'm in it now, come what may. i know where He wants me to go, and i'm trying to do what i can to get there, one step at a time. and in return, He's started to open up some doors. maybe. contacts that may or may not lead to something. i'm really still waiting to see real opportunities, something that will help me move to Nashville, or at least be more involved in the music scene. so far, i might know some people who could help with that, but then again, they may not be able to help where the rubber meets the road. it's all still so up in the air.
in the midst of this uncertainty, i've asked God for something big. some affirmation that He's not going to let me fall. i won't tell you exactly what i've asked for (you might make fun of me...), but it's pretty far out there, definitely exceeding the boundaries of "reality." but, in the spirit of giving God the opportunity to work in a way i wouldn't normally expect, i did what i could and put some feelers out. and that's not to say that i expect God to do this; i certainly don't. it's definitely beyond what i could dream or imagaine....though i suppose that's His specialty, isn't it? if He chooses to grant my request, it's not like i think i'll never doubt again. fear will still try to creep it's ugly head in. but it'll at least give me something big and specific that i can point back to and tell myself that He's there for me. so if you're reading this, pray with me, will you? i can't cast out this fear by myself. i need Him to help me believe.
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