God is calling me back to Himself. it's a strange journey we've been on, my Savior and me. He was silent for so long i thought He'd gone, and now His hand seems to be around every corner. is it simply because i'm finally actively seeking the road He's made for me? i've suspended reality enough to try to follow the very unrealistic direction He's called me, and it seems in this place where dreams might come true that He's everywhere. He's put some great people in my life that can't be there by chance. He speaks in the voice of friends new and old, helping me catch those all-important nuggets i might miss on my own.
and now, just when i'd found yet another place where i don't trust Him, He's offered a hand even before i asked. historically, the job search hasn't been a place where God's seemed to come through for me. no matter how much i prayed, sent resumes and applications, went to interviews, it made no difference. He simply refused to give me a job. subsequently, i stopped trusting that it was in His hands. the only real steady employment i've had was bad enough to give me ulcers and make me stop sleeping. so somewhere along the way, i gave up on Him coming through and took the burden back on my shoulders. it's been all up to me to figure it out.
this week, i found myself in a place once again where i had to confront my fear of the job hunt. i'll be done with my training probably in the next 4-6 weeks, and then there will be nothing left to hide behind. i'll have to get out there and bust it until i find someone who wants to pay money for my particular skill set. and when i realized that, it scared me to death. at least now i can tell myself that it's okay not to get any of the jobs i've sought because it gives me time to finish my course. but those days will soon be over and i'll have to make my own way. i have no choice but to trust God, because i believe he's ultimately in control. i'm forced to trust Him in this arena where i feel He's ignored me. needless to say, i don't have warm fuzzy feelings about this.
as i was struggling with this issue, before i'd had much time to really deal with it, i got a phone call. a month or two ago i applied for a secretarial position with the university psychology department. i'd even forgotten i'd applied until they called. i have an interview on friday morning at 10:30. when i put the phone down, i was in shock. here was God, the great God of the universe, Creator and Maker of everything and everyone I see, and so much more that i can't, reaching down to me. offering His hand first. He'd heard my cry, felt my hesitation, known my fears, and responded. in a strange way, i have a good feeling about this interview. i think it has a lot of potential to be a position where i might have down time to work on my class or write or any of the other million things i need to do. i'm strangely secure in the fact that God will carry me through it. if this is the job He's held for me, waiting until the moment when i needed Him the most, then He'll work in the hearts of those making the decision and grant me the position. and even if He doesn't, i trust Him so much more than i did just days ago. He's already come through for me so that i know i can depend on Him. He will not leave me stranded here. He will not place a dream in me and not make a way for me to capture it. they're so far off, and yet i feel as though, for the first time, my dreams are really within my reach. i can do this. this is what God made me for and what He wants from me; and as long as i faithfully seek after what He's given me, He'll make the road i'm looking for. i can put my faith in Him again, in this place where i couldn't for so long. the strength of my God is great.
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