For the Moments I Feel Faint

So today I'm just sitting, mulling over everything that's happening to me. Even though nothing's really happened yet, it already feels surreal. I want someone to share it with, to get excited with. But I don't have that right now. A bittersweet moment in this rush of events.

I suppose a lot of my excitements rides on hope. Which, in itself, is a miracle. Less than a month ago I had no hope at all. And now I live on it. I breathe it in and out, each day, each moment. I don't think there's ever been a time where I've so clearly followed God's direction. And He's been so good to give me that extra encouragement, that confirmation, in the moments I feel faint. It still seems strange to me that God's will and my desires should line up. Somewhere along the way, He became someone who didn't care about my happiness, who just wanted His own way. Or so I thought. But now, it feels like He's desperately sharing His heart for me, leading me down this path that I still can't believe I'm on. Like He wants to capture my heart again, to pull me back to everything I've been missing for so long.

And I have to ask myself, will I still feel this way in a week or two? a month or two? I want to be content and steadfast for longer than that, but so often it seems my fears and my doubts get the best of me. It's easy to doubt that my dreams are wrong. But I'm starting to learn that God created my dreams, too. They're not just from me. He made me for a purpose, for a calling, for the one thing that makes my heart full, that makes my joy in life complete.

I guess I'd better get on to what's actually happening, hadn't I? I guess in a way, I'm waiting to hear back from Derek Webb. That alone is so surreal. In real life, I know Derek's brother, who, for obvious reasons, has contacts out in Nashville, that promised land to which I look. I've been writing non-stop lately, and I felt God asking me to try to sell something I've written. Now, don't misunderstand me, in no way do I actually believe anything I currently have could really be good enough to be worth something to someone other than me. But in the interest of being obedient, I'm suspending that reality until further notice. Anyway, I digress... Not knowing anyone out in Nashville, having no idea where to start, I contacted Brandon Webb and asked if he had any pointers or ideas, or maybe could connect me with someone who does. After about a week I hadn't had any response to the email I'd sent him, I was seriously doubting. Nothing was happening and I had no place else to go. So I prayed that night for some sort of confirmation, that God would just let me know that I'm going His direction with this whole thing, because if it's not His, I may as well bail on it now. Lo and behold, I wake up the next morning with a response in my inbox, saying he contacted Derek and is waiting for a response. It was like God just said "Don't worry." That was about a week ago, so I'm getting a little anxious for a response again.

In the meantime, I was given another contact in the community who has experience writing out in Nashville. It was so out of the blue, a friend just mentioned her name, told me how to contact her, and I did. We're meeting next week to chat about things. It may not sound like much, but I'm so excited! I have hope that she'll turn out to be a friend, a mentor, an aid in this whole process. It seems she still goes to Nashville fairly regularly, so hope wonders if maybe I could tag along next time. Maybe I'll get to go out before June. Maybe she'll have these great contacts, people she can introduce me too. Maybe she'll even be someone I can write with. It's like one big unknown that could turn into so much. I don't want to think about where I'll be if it's a dud. What if she doesn't like me? I can't rest on that thought right now. I need the hope. Hope that God is leading me down the greatest adventure of my life, the adventure He created me for. The one He placed in my heart before I was born. Who knows, maybe this is it. I'll keep you posted.