Now You Know

tonight is probably one of those nights where it might be smarter for me not to write at all. i want this page to be about things i'm learning, steps i'm taking. and tonight i'm just kind of moody. but, since i'm pretty sure no one's reading this anyway (except maybe my sister-in-law...), i figured what the heck. why not put my crazy emotional self out there on the internet for anyone to see? maybe there IS someone reading. maybe you'll see a piece of me you didn't know was in there somewhere. maybe you'll come to understand me a little more, or maybe say a prayer for me.

you know how sometimes, after you've been through something that shook your whole world, you think you've worked through it and you're past it, and then out of nowhere, you hear someone say a certain phrase or a particular song plays, and you're right back where you thought you wouldn't be anymore? if that made any sense to you, that's where i am tonight. there's a particular relationship in my life that has always been tumultuous, but i thought maybe this time it would stick. and maybe it still will, i don't know. but tonight i'm feeling like i'm right back in that place i've been too many times, watching someone i care about slip away, knowing there's nothing i can do. maybe i should know better by now. but it still hurts all the same. still leaves me broken, empty, alone.

add to that the fact that today i recorded my first set of vocals for a song i wrote, and it really stinks. i have an extremely low budget, so my equipment isn't great (understatement...), but i really thought it would sound better than it does. and so i have to wonder, is it just me? do i really just suck that much? and if that's the case, then why is God calling me the direction He's calling me? i feel extremely untalented and undeserving to sing anywhere that people might hear me. i feel like a sham. and yet, i don't know who i am without music.

i wish that i had someone to come alongside me and tell me that it doesn't suck as much as i think it does. i wish i had someone to talk to about my hopes and dreams, someone who would support me and stand with me when it gets hard like this. i don't believe in myself much tonight. and it's in these moments of uncertainty, when i'm not sure i'm worth much at all, that i am most painfully alone. i realize this post is kind of one giant downer, but at least i'm being honest. right now, this is a part of who i am. i wish it wasn't, believe me. but it's just a fact. being alone sucks. here's hoping you never find yourself in my shoes.