Meant to Live

So much to tell, my friends. it's been a big week in so many ways. so many emotions that don't agree with each other.

i think i'll start with the present, and we'll get around to the title later. what i'm feeling at the moment falls into the category of things i wouldn't tell you face to face. things i keep inside, and yet post here for the whole world to see. i want someone to know, to look for the answer. but speaking the words out loud? no thanks. i'll stick to secret confessions in strangely public places that none of my friends will ever actually read. i get to feel like i've told someone without anyone actually knowing.

the problem is, there's really no one to tell. it's not the crippling emptiness that used to haunt me, but it's still a very significant pain. it's still strange, adjusting to having no one there. no one to gush to about how brandon heath did that incredible thing that guys do when you're walking with them, and they put their hand on the small of your back to guide you. so chivalrous and somehow strangely intimate, especially for strangers. quite possibly the best feeling i've had, to date. i want to tell the world, but there's only one person i've talked to about it. and even there, i have reservations. my life is so crazily impossible right now that i feel it's a lot to ask anyone to stand by me through it. the road ahead promises to be long and unpredictable, and it's hard for me to ask someone to walk it with me. and so i go it alone. sometimes, like tonight, i tire of working so hard to avoid it and let myself feel the gaping hole in my chest, dug and blasted out through lonliness and betrayals. i have no more strength to ignore it, so i just feel. feel so many things i wish i'd never learned at all. but mostly just sadness, for being so alone like this, and impatience, for my life to get moving toward the serious changes i know are coming.

last sunday night was the first concert i've been to since i really submitted to God with this whole music thing He's set before me. and it was amazing. instead of aching to be a part of it all, i had this incredible excitement and anticipation for the day, hopefully not too far off, when i WILL be a part of it. i got the chance to talk to brandon heath a bit, which was really awesome. he was really cool, even though he kind of brushed me off. he looked so tired though; i wasn't at all offended. but i realized, driving home, that my instinctual, internal response to that brush-off was an indignance that i hadn't known existed. something in me said firmly that i'm not just some fan, a crazy girl with a dream. this is what God specifically created me for and called me to. who is brandon to doubt me, to blow me off? and when i realized that's what i was feeling, i knew, with a certainty i hadn't had before. this is it for me. impossible as it seems, God intends me for nashville, for the music world. really and truly, no matter what it may feel like sometimes. it's not just this dream i have. it's a reality God can hardly wait to experience with me. and that absolutely floors me. that i serve a God so loving and compassionate and strong that He would not only create this incredible plan for me, but take me on it, walk with me on it, experience all of it step by step, at my side, is too much for me to comprehend. that's love as i've never known it, never been able to grasp it. i may not ever understand why He's chosen this amazing way to show His love for me; i only know that He has. and it makes me all the more eager to be in a position to move, to get down to nashville, to be there in the community He's created for me, to move on with my life, find people who understand me really, maybe people i can really talk to, to fill up the empty spaces i feel right now. new friends, new adventures, new brothers and sisters to walk with. and so i'm eager to move on. can't wait to move on. for now all i can do is take the next step.