Breaking Beautifully

I am a broken, sinful person. In my sin, I often take the good things God has blessed me with and set them up as idols, worshiping the created instead of the Creator. For me, this happens particularly easily with relationships. Specifically romantic relationships, but any close relationship can fall prey to it.

A few weeks ago I came to a point where I was ready to admit this and start breaking down that idol. As I did so, though, I came face to face with years of pent-up anger and bitterness toward God. I realized that I didn't really believe many of the things He's said in this area of my life. I didn't believe He had good plans for me. I didn't believe that anything not containing marriage was a good plan. I felt like He didn't think I was good enough for anyone to marry. I realized I even believed He didn't truly love me if He wouldn't give me this one thing that I want.

Now, hold up a minute here. I know how crazy that sounds. I know it's ridiculous to tell God that He's not who He says He is just because He won't give me what I want. Rationally, I realize that. But emotionally, you have to understand, this was my idol. More than anything in the world I want to be married. I want to have a man to love and serve and spend my life with. There are things about me that are so much better when I'm with someone. I truly feel like I was created to be half of something. I find completion in Christ, yes, but I was made for a relationship here on this earth too. And yet, I find myself getting on toward 30 and still single. So there was a lot of anger in my heart to try to break down. And let me tell you, when your idol is so strong you question God's goodness without it, you've got a painful road to walk.

So what happened next? The most painful thing within the realm of relationships that possibly could have happened. That's what happened next. It sent me into a downward spiral. I was already struggling to believe God cared for me at all, and now there was this event that killed any semi-immediate hope for the relationship I craved. My idol came crashing down around me, and I lost it. I was so angry I could hardly pray. And when I did, all I could ask was for God to change my heart and take the anger and bitterness away. I knew that I was powerless to work through it on my own. Only by Him changing my heart would I be able to move forward.

I spent several weeks in that dark place, crushed by the loss of my idol, feeling like I was crying for God to change my heart and all the while He sat silent and stoic in the face of my pain. And then something happened. We read a passage from Isaiah at my small group from church one night. It wasn't the passage the leader had intended for us to read; it had nothing to do with what we were talking about. But it was exactly what I needed to hear.

^"8 But you, Israel, my servant,
Jacob, whom I have chosen,
the offspring of Abraham, my friend;
⁹ you whom I took from the ends of the earth,
and called from its farthest corners,
saying to you, “You are my servant,
I have chosen you and not cast you off”;
¹⁰ fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

^"17 When the poor and needy seek water,
and there is none,
and their tongue is parched with thirst,
I the Lord will answer them;
I the God of Israel will not forsake them.
¹⁸ I will open rivers on the bare heights,
and fountains in the midst of the valleys.
I will make the wilderness a pool of water,
and the dry land springs of water.
¹⁹ I will put in the wilderness the cedar,
the acacia, the myrtle, and the olive.
I will set in the desert the cypress,
the plane and the pine together,
²⁰ that they may see and know,
may consider and understand together,
that the hand of the Lord has done this,
the Holy One of Israel has created it."

As these words were read, I felt something in my heart break. It was like God was telling me that He would create beautiful things out of what I thought couldn't be worse. My wilderness was being single, and He was offering to make wonderful things out of it, if only I would let Him. I didn't have to escape the wilderness to find water and life. He would bring them to me if I would trust Him. So I let my heart break, and I prayed, and I told Him that I trust Him. In that moment, the change in my heart that I longed for was finally happening. I repented of my idols and rejoiced that God would do wonderful things in and through my life, even if marriage is never in the cards for me.

Don't get me wrong, that's still a difficult sentence for me to say. I still want to be married. But I am finally at a place where I trust that God's way is better. I trust that His plans for me are for good, even if it doesn't seem like it at the time. I know that there are still pieces of my idol clinging to my heart, but I continue to pray against them, to ask God to keep cleaning them out. I know that He will be faithful to do so.

To everyone who's been at my side these last few weeks, praying with me and for me, thank you so much. I could not have gotten to this point without you demonstrating God's grace toward me.