Bottle it Up

it's been a while, hasn't it? sorry about that. life has gotten busy, and i have a strict "no blogging after 10 pm" rule. besides that, well...it's been rough. don't get me wrong, nashville is amazing. i love it here and know without a doubt that i'm home where i belong. i'm just dealing with a lot.

before i left nebraska, more than a year ago now, something happened to me that broke my heart in ways i never knew were possible. i fought to make things right with everything i had, but in the end, nothing could save me from suffering a great loss. it happened at a time when i felt very much alone, and the pain was too great to bear alone. so i pushed it back into a corner of my broken heart and roped that place off indefinitely.

for the most part, i've succeeded in keeping the whole mess at bay. not wanting to be labeled a "drama queen," i began to learn to ignore what i felt and just keep moving, keep pushing to the next day. and that worked okay, for a while. until i got here.

here, i'm surrounded by family like i've never known. God has been so faithful to place some really amazing people in my life, people who are committed to community, bearing one another's sorrows and celebrating each others' joys. these people are the real deal. at the same time that i'm finding myself among these friends, God is opening my mind to the idea that this life He's given me, the working out of my salvation, only happens in community. if i am going to grow and support others in their growth, we must let each other in. there is no other way.

and so, this community came knocking on my heart. trouble was, they came straight to the room i'd roped off and tried to forget, because within that room lies my ability to trust. so i've stumbled around these last few weeks, pushing barriers back here and there, trying to find what it looks like now to open my heart. it quickly became apparent that i cannot trust without cleaning out that room first. so i took a deep breath and dove in.

what i found should not have surprised me, but it knocked me off my feet just the same. at first i couldn't even find the way in, i'd been avoiding it for so long. but when i did, the waves of pain that greeted me were as fresh as if it had happened yesterday. ironically, it was another painful loss here in the present that finally allowed me access to all the pain i've been holding in. it all merged together and has been threatening to undo me for days now. i can't explain to you everything that's broken. there is no way to make myself understood, give you a sense of where i am.

and then i read these words. "You feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it all." the words are spoken to harry potter when he has lost the person he cared most about in the world. somehow, that sentence made my world make a bit of sense. that's exactly how i feel. like i'm bleeding from gaping wounds; slowly, painfully bleeding out at an excruciatingly slow pace so that i feel every drop leave my system. that's where my heart is right now.

yet, there is hope. it is true that i must allow my heart to feel the pain before i can begin to heal it. i have to acknowledge it and address it, which is one of the most daunting tasks i've ever faced. fortunately, miraculously, i don't have to walk through it alone. God has provided all of you. i have a real support system for the first time in my life. it remains difficult because in order to regain the ability to trust, i must allow you to come alongside me. i have to let you in to this broken, blackened part of my heart, and let you love me. there will surely be some dark, difficult days on this path back from brokenness. but, more words were uttered to harry. "The fact that you can feel pain like this is your greatest strength." great pain only comes from the loss of great love. the greater the love, the bigger the void it leaves. i feel much pain because i love much, and that i will not trade.

so, my friends, that is where my heart lies at the moment. thank you all for taking the journey with me, for holding me up in this time when i don't have the strength to do it alone. may we continue to regard one another with the unending grace and love that flows from the throne of Christ.